Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Skipping Desperately, yet GLEEfully through a Field of…*achoo* ALLERGIES!!!!

SPRRRRING has arrived with as much grace and daint as, well,… (click or paste…) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOFjlVaikJ4

So gracefully in fact that as I zwiddle desperately hither and thither, with my ham-hocks-a-blur, I see Spring Fever in full effect!  Now with every fever, there are symptoms one must look out for.  It is important for one to note the signs lest one falls prey to the clutches of such a ravenous disease!

First, there is the look of desperation or panic on the face.  Now this must never be confused with the look of constipation. They are similar, but those who are constipated do not move nearly as fast.  No.  This is where people literally run you over whilst trying to pack in 27 hours of sun bathing into one day! There is such a desperate need for sun and to be outside that it is as if it is the LAST meal they will ever receive. And, it never occurs to one that when one is outside for too long, one gets sunburned. So when that happens, they curse and swear and threaten to kill anyone who touches them. A viscious cycle!

Next, is wardrobe choices. Now this is a very tell-tale sign of Spring Fever. It is where people make the horrid mistake of wearing shorts and tank tops when it is still in the single digits temperature-wise, and also they expose the world to their rather vampire-like pale legs with green veins popping out everywhere.  I have many times overheard people standing at the crosswalk say, “I wanted to wear my summer clothes today.  It sure does not feel like it is 4 degrees C (*teeth chattering*)!” and “I am SOOOOO COOOOOOLD, but I look great!” Even when the weatherperson warns them that there is still a cold front in the area, they choose to wear things that end them up in the emergency room with hypothermia.

Thirdly there is the insatiable need to plant things and watch little things grow! This I find throughly annoying! Now it is everyone’s right to have his/her own little victory garden in the back.  That is fine.  But when people plant flowers when the frost warnings are STILL in effect, and then when the frost comes and kills the flowers, they become so livid that they curse and swear about it all over the place.  I hate taking the subway in spring because I am likely to run into someone who lost several hundred dollars worth of precious flowers and then they take it out on the entire world.

Finally, there is the piece de resistance! Springtime may be a happy time for little twitterpated birdies and woodland creatures, but it is a sad time for many humans!  For this is the time where one does not have to look too far to see some tearful girl, crying her eyes out to her girlfriends because the boyfriend (for whom she was warned was a jerk) she thought would stay forever has broken up with her, or some suicidal young man who cannot understand why his girl (who was an airhead to begin with) left him for THAT guy!  Now I do not mean to make light of this because it is truly painful when someone you love and trust leaves, for whatever reason, but if you look around you, you are most likely to run into several of these scenarios.

And then, there are people like me who simply hate spring for a totally unrelated reason.  ALLERGIES!!!

So what’s the cure?  Allergies?  Antihistamines.  And for all the others, THERAPY!!!!

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 00:08:08 | Permalink | Comments Off

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My blog has MOOOOO-ved!

Hello all!  So I have MOOOOO-ved my bloggy to a new page.  This one was malfunctioing for a while, so please feel free to log on to http://godivatruffle.blogspot.com and read my contuing sagas, and desperate soliloquys!  See you there!

MOI

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 17:34:16 | Permalink | Comments Off

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I think I did it AGAIN!

Now many who know me from Winnipeg, know that I am capable of the silliest of things!  The other day, I am walking with my friend Alton down the streets of Toronto, and we both enter the lobby of the hotel he is staying in.  I go through the rotary doors and end up going round and round until I figure out that I had not yet gotten IN to the building!  Now that is just one incident!

Earlier, I am at the gym, being killed by my trainer Vaughn!  He is about to put me on a new torture device; one I have not yet been on.  Any normal person is supposed to know how to sit on one of those contrivances.  But it takes someone like me to get it wrong!  I ended up sitting on it facing the wrong way and straining every nerve to grab the handles beHIND me!  And the entire gym is looking at me for one brief moment.  Vaughn just stands there shaking his head at me and smiling, while waiting for me to figure it out.  It took all of two minutes!

Yesterday, on my way out the door, I shut the end of my sweater in the doorjamb and ended up doing a slingshot effect right back into the (closed) door!  I seem to have a thing for walking into closed doors!

Now what does all of this tell you?  It either tells you that I am as nutty as a fruitcake, or that I dyed my hair blonde and somehow, the chemicals have ruined what intelligence I may have had left in my brain…if I had any to begin with.  But I must ask the question:  WHY do these things keep happening to me…and in public too??  How am I supposed to gain the respect of the world as a serious opera singer, when I cannot even use a rotary door the right way??  How am I supposed to be strong, when even just the smell of chocolate makes me go completely insane???  And speaking of chocolate…WHY IS THAT CORNER STORE STILL BAKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES AT ME????

Moi
Posted by Paulie Wallie in 15:39:42 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

OBAMA!

Well, someone TIE ME TO A FENCE, PAINT ME CHARTREUSE, SPANK ME SENSELESS AND CALL ME JANE!!!!  I never thought I would live to see a day like the day that happened on November 4th!  I am only 3 and a half, but I also think of that one African American lady in the southern U.S. who is 105 years old, who cast her ballot for Obama, and has now lived to see this day!  For people of colour EVERYWHERE in the world, this IS a great day, a significant day in our lives.

It is not just because history was made, but you see, if you have any idea of the struggles we have faced over the years, and I am sure our Jewish brothers and sisters understand perfectly, as well as ANY race of people who have face hardships, you would understand how significant this day is to us.

I was watching The View yesterday on the tele and the first thing Whoopi Goldberg said struck something DEEEEP within me.  She said that when she spoke to her mother, her mother said that she never thought she would live to see such a day, and then, she felt for the first time in her life, that she would finally put down the suitcase!  Now in rural Jamaica even today, every house still has what is called a “grip” or a suitcase.  It is where your finest things are kept safely.  They are kept there so that in case of an emergency, you can grab it and take it with you, and keeping them locked in the grip kept them clean.  This is significant to me as a man of colour because it tells me that I CAN!  I too can succeed in this world and make my mark, and rise to the top of my field…as an opera singer, and I pray hard and work hard to see to it that I do just that.

Now I know that there are lots of people with fears about the future; about Obama’s leadership experience, or lack thereof.  But I tell you this!  He has a LOT of work to do, and the one thing that those in America can do right now is to stand behind him and support him as he bears the entire weight of one nation on his shoulders!  He needs your support and help.

On other news, I am out of ketchup!  So I am having a mini-crisis here!!!  I have to go fix that problem!  It is not just that I am out of ketchup, but I no other ketchup will do.  It must be Heintz!  And it must be the upside-down squeeze bottle!

Moi
Posted by Paulie Wallie in 15:22:01 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

ROSSWEISSE: TAKE TWO!!!!

I just received desperate wind that Rossweisse () has yet again descended upon some unsuspecting birthing stool, and with high C after high C, has this time delivered a 9 lb. 10 oz picnic ham named Sylbert!  Congratulations mommy!  BTW she looks terrific!!!

So now that this is over with, and that she did not in fact achieve the world record of the only woman to be pregnant for 12 months, I am sure that she and Otis and Sherman will have their hands full for a while yet.  Oh how wonderful it is to raise a family.  With the picket fence and the apply pies in the window sill…*sigh*

ANYWHO, it has been a while since I have blogged.  Rossweisse and I are working on an album together.  We worked on it this summer as you will recall.  I am so looking forward to finishing the work and getting it on the shelves!!

I started at the gym this week.  Trust me…I have a LOT to say about this.  More to come.  Stay tuned!

Moi
Posted by Paulie Wallie in 18:42:09 | Permalink | Comments Off

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

You know you are certifiable (SANE, that is…) when…

…you have survived the kind of summer I have had! Now I know that you are thinking, “He is going to tell us about it anyway, so I might as well just stop sniveling and hold still!”, you are absolutely and desperately correct!!

I started my summer with a desperate attack on Winnipeg. It was the site of my first landing. I went there to begin my third attempt at recording my first album. It I have to admit that this is very scary for me, but I know that God is with me and is behind all of this. Little did I know how much work I was going to have to do in order to survive! By that I mean, I had to deal with three cannibals in the form of brothers with whom I lived. Patrick, Mervin, and Dieter! These three human-eating machines gave me a run for my money! I had to be looking over my shoulder constantly to make sure that they were not sprinkling me with some sort of seasoning, or sizing me up for the grill! I remember one day in particular, I was zwiddling desperately about, MINDING MY OWN BEESWAX (as per typicule), when all of a sudden, I caught Dieter (the youngest of the bunch, and the sneakiest) with mouth agape and daggers drawn, aiming for my rather gamy corpus armed with knife and fork. However, with my skill in martial arts, I was able to stave him off. But I must say, it does indeed get tiring trying to remain uneaten in situations like these.

Then, my next task was to survive the threat of the Valkyrie! ROSSWEISSE!!! She was my collaborative pianist for the summer’s project. On top of being extremely adorable, cheeky, and desperately pregnant, she was also a force to reckon with. However, she did come to the first recording session in piggies, which I thought was SO CUTE!!!! She keeps claiming that I have a thing for piggies, and I do not really. I mean, I like pork on a plate, but I am not obsessed with piggy-tails, for that’s just silly. She played magnificently, and we worked so well together that we got done early each day. There was of course, as was mentioned before the issue of some kids we wanted to string up and broast on a stick, but you know what, they did serve a purpose in all of this. They developed patience in us all. I mean, when I say my producer getting recipe ideas for these kids, you know that it was really annoying!

And then, just when I thought things could not get any hotter, I hopped out of the scorching skillet, right into the deep fryer! I went to Jamaica for a fortnight! Now I do not normally go to Jamaica in the middle of the summer months for obvious reasons. It is just too hot for me to handle anymore. This time though, I went to celebrate with my parents who celebrated 40 years of marriage! WOW!!!! And after forty years, they still love, and are still in love with each other. I pretty much became a work horse for that fortnight. I sang at that event, as well as twice at a conference, at my cousin Ju-Jup’s wedding, and at church twice as well. I was quite busy. And I was also avoiding being turned into a glazed picnic ham! There were two people who I had to keep my eyes on because I still have teeth marks in my skin from one of them who tried to eat me some years ago. And now, her teeth are under arrest and serving time in prison (braces). Serves HER right!!

And now that I am BACH in Toronto, I feel as if I survived the swirling winds of the summer’s activities, and am BACH and BIZET being in full swing. I have got to get a HANDEL on things and I have little THYME to do it as well. So continue to stay tuned for more desperate renderings.

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 14:13:09 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Monday, July 21, 2008

KENORA DAY (*SHIMMY!*)!!!!

Seeing that I cannot seem to tease my Winnipeg friends into another outing, where we descend upon some unsuspecting town or borough, and proceed to fill it with desperately compressed glee, whether they want us to or not, I decided to have my own outing…and so today, I had a KENORA DAY (*SHIMMY!*).  The shimmy is there because one has to actually shimmy while saying this, and grin at the same time.  It is kind of like walking and chewing gum at the same time, or something even harder for me, walking and talking at the same time, as I seem to end up face first into brick walls or telephone posts!

Actually, I had a most interesting trip.  I think the trip for more eventful than the actual BEING in Kenora, even though I did meet up with a very good friend and we had coffee and chatted for a while.  It seemed to me that everytime I drive out of Winnipeg, all the bugs come out of their respective bogs and oraphaces ro descend upon my windshield!!!!  AH!  The sight of BUZZKILL to brighten a Sunday afternoon stroll!!! I cannot speak for anyone else, but I seem to attract these desperate creatures, who have such a desperate death wish as to fling their corpi unto my windshield at high speed!  Everyone else on the freeway was happily moving along, and I kept having to drain my windshield washer fluid to keep being able to see where I was going!  They are out to get me the little BUGgers!!!

When I actually GOT to Kenora, I parked by the Safeway where I met my friend.  As I was heading into the building, I saw the front of my rented car.  It was like a graveyard for bugs!  Three dragonflies looked like they were trying to sabbotage my engine by wedging themselves into the car’s grill!!!  There they were, wings and all sticking out of the grill, dead!  I have never seen so many fly guts in my life!!!

Aftetr my visit, I headed BACH to Winnipeg, and, like earlier on in the day, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT!!!!  One after the other, they hurled themselves to their death upon my windshield, guts and all!  When I finally made it into Winnipeg, I went straight to the carwash!  Even though I had to pee so badly, that HAD to wait! 

So other than the great time I had with my friend, the main highlight for me on this trip was the vendetta that played itself out to the guey end, and the revenge I got to inflict by the power of the touchless high velocity spray of the wash!  So what’s next?  I am sure that tonight I might be haunted by the ghosts of these six-legged and winged little beasts!!!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 04:00:33 | Permalink | Comments Off

Saturday, July 19, 2008

No children (or teachers!) were EATEN in the making of this recording!

This past week has been interesting!  I am sure you have read about it in the past two blogs, but I just have to reiterate!  I can assure you that no children (or teachers!) were eaten in the making of this part of the album!  We had a few challenging moments where we did some great takes and the kids came and ruined it with the sounds of their screaming voices, climpering feet up and down the stairs, or, just general rebellion.

There were moments when, looking into the faces of these little…ANGELS (BLESS THEM!) one could clearly see who had the power in that moment.  They thought they were in control!  And I think they enjoyed that. For a while at least.  It always seemed that they always knew when we were about to make headway on a piece.  And then, right on cue, they would ruin it.  I think they desperately wanted to be in the album one way or another.  A ramdom children’s chorus of uncooth vocal utternaces!!!

I did not know which was funnier.  The fact that they would see me storming around the corner and try to quiet each other down, or that in the process of quieting each other down, they would make MORE noise, for a longer time.  At one point, Ralph, my producer, had just about had it and was looking to see in there was a beebee gun lying around.  I still think that the gaggle of Sandanavian nuns was the ticket.  And if there isn’t a convent nearby, there is always duct tape!  But NO!  No one listens to me.  Even Rossweise was beginning to lose it after a while!  And speaking of Rossweise, she amazed us both with her stamina and her desperate professionalism!!  For a little lady who is desperately pregnant, and soon to gleefully descend upon some unsuspecting birthing stool, she was amazing!!  Yes you are DAHLINKS!!!!  Even your sarcasm was cute!  And she even came to the first session wearing…PIGGIES!!!!

The MOST interesting moment of the week was when Ralph went again to get the kids to be quiet as we were about to re-take a piece.  He opened the door and spoke to the kids, and saw two teachers standing there in FACING the signs in RED saying, “PLEASE BE QUIET! RECORDING IN PROGRESS!” and talking even louder than the kids!!  It is at THAT point we realised who and what we were dealing with!  I talked with one of the the teachers about the noise problem and she just looked at me with a horrified expression as in, how in the world was she going to accomplish keeping them quiet.  My how times have changed!!

But now we are done, and I can safely say that we did so without any incidents.  A very interesting journey I have gotten myself into, but I know that He (God) who has started a good work, is faithful to complete it in me.

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 16:10:18 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Recording in Whiney-PEG!

So, now I am in Winninpeg (a.k.a Whiney-PEG), and I am in the middle of part one of the recording process for my first album.  I am having a wonderful time, and we are actually as of today, ahead of schedule.  However, there is a down side to all of this.  They come in the form of wonderful little human beings called…CHILDREN!!!  Now I know that everyone will say that I was a child at one point so I am to give them a break!  Well… let me think about that for a sec……..NO!!!!

I was first of all told that the building would be virtually empty.  I should have known that the word “virtually” is really where all the mischief lies!  For in that same said word, lies of herd of squealing, out-of-control girlies, and rough-and-tumble boyzies scurrying about aimlessly and being where they ought not to be! Now do not get me wrong.  I love kids!  I am quite the little kid at heart.  I think they are wonderful, adorable, teachable, and otherwise good little people…particularly when they sleep!

I am on day two of the process and, I think I can speak for the rest of the people on my team (Rossweise being one of them), we have just about HAD IT with the ADORBALE little DISASTERS!!!  Let me explain:

We were near the end of a great ‘take’ in the sanctuary, where we are recording yesterday.  After singing “Spring Waters” by Rachmaninoff in F-major and doing it at least thrice, I would have sung a high C at least six times that day!  We were on the third take which was going SO WELL, and then, just as the last piano bits were being played, and the sound was ringing through the sanctuary, in screams little Hildegarde (or Beullah-Leigh), with lungs of steel!  And seeing that she screamed, it started a chain reaction of screams, which of course, was all caught on tape!  After having this happen a number of times, I lost it! I marched out of the sanctuary and proceeded to SCARE some kids senseless by giving them a good piece of my mind!!!  When I was done with them, the three of them just stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do.  Eventually their legs eventually told them to run away, and then, the rest of their bodies followed suit!  I thought they got the point. Well, that was until a new set showed up today!

And today, I had to do the same thing, but this time, I was a lot nicer.  After asking them to move to another location, one of them decided to do her impersonation of Shenaye-naye!!!  She walked off, snapping her fingers with the biggest attitude (and neck-swivel) I think I have seen in a long time! 

So, today, my producer and I have agreed that to solve this problem, we have three choices:

1.   Feed them to a gaggle of Scandanavian nuns who will make them sing “Cum-ba-yah” all day long,

2.   Give them a dose (or seven!) of Queen Aggravain’s potion of opium and warm milk, or,

3.   Threaten to force-feed them raw bean sprouts if they disturb us agian!

Personally, I like the first option! 

So there you have it.  My life never seems to get boring.  But even in the midst of all of this AGGRAVAI-tion, the Lord is carrying us through it and we are accomplishing much! 

More to come later!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 04:14:58 | Permalink | Comments Off

Want to know what I think?

I think that…

  • people should be open to the idea of wearing piggies at least once in their lives!
  • trees are overgrown forms of vegetables, but they look nice as decoration
  • one form of capitol punishment should include someone being tickled into submission
  • Winnipeggers have the highest cannibal ratings in the world, and I can prove it!
  • we should all just…get along already!
  • mommies smell great always
  • younger siblings are expendible
  • rabbits, deer, pigs and goats should never be raised as pets.  They are FOOD!
  • Cleopas and Jeanette should attend a Star Wars convention, adorned with buns and sabers.
  • Melvin is really out to get me!
  • Mitzie Frappuchino (nee Meltfinger) is wonderful! 
  • Rita will wear piggies at least once, even if it means under duress!
  • the answer to the world’s crises lies in a simple toilet.  You can flush all the crap down it!
  • you are all insane for thinking that I am
  • I am still too young and way too cute to be eaten!
  • some people only respond to being chased with a live cattleprod
  • Lulu is secretly and desperately DYING for a Java-I.V.!
  • Helga has forgotten me (hint hint hint!)
  • Bundt cakes are still the best things on earth!
  • Helga wants desperately to make me a Bundt cake (not trying to drop ANY hints anywhere!)
  • recording music, and children screaming for NO REASON WHATSOEVER is enough to make me want to feed them to a gaggle of German nuns for a month!!!!

There!  So now you know what I am thinking.  Stay tuned for more Factoid Tuesdays, coming soon!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie in 03:44:45 | Permalink | Comments Off