Paul’s “G”odiva Spot

1) All bullies in the world would be found out for who they really are, and be poked with a cattleprod by their victims for a week!

2) There would be an official National Pigtail Day

3) When people ask, “how are you doing?”, they would actually expect an answer

4) The best chocolate in the world would have no calories, be good for you, and would be FREE

5) People would stop trying to eat me!

6) Dogs would be self-cleaning like cats are

7) All of the words that I have made up over the years would be inducted into the dictionary

I really would get a HIPPOPOTAMUS  for Christmas!

9) Whenever I hiccup, bubbles would come out of my ears

10) There really would be a Tinkerbell

11) Kitty would actually be nice to me for more than five minutes

12) Helga and Lulu would make entrances every morning on silver platters

13) Beryll would flit daintily into school on point!

14) The Easter Bunny would be made into a stew and served over rice

15) Pigs would actually know how to play flutes and do jigs

16) Elephants would really scream when they saw mice

17) Crocodiles and sharks would be strict vegetarians

18) Nymphs and Shepherds would cease their playing and join the army

19) Maalox and Pepto Bismol would be made free on Valentine’s Day

20) There would be a law against bad permanents!

21) YOU ALL WOULD BE MADE TO READ MY BLOG EVERYDAY!!!

Now I know that we are only in the month of March going into April, but I am not for a moment going to let that stand in my way!  I already have my Christmas list ready for Santa.  I know that I am always in Santa’s good books, and if you look closely, you can make out the outline of my ever-shining halo.  Yes!  I am innocent, and cute too!  You may say that you cannot see the halo, and that is because it is so shiny that it is meant to be invisible to the naked eye.  Seeing that eyes are naked, the halo refuses to be seen by them!!

And one of the reasons why I am so good to Santa is that I only have ONE ITEM on my list this year…I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS…named GEORGE no less!!!! Now I know what you are all thinking.  Why the devil would I want to have a hippo for Christmas?  Well, here is my reasoning:

With a hippo, I will never have a complex about my weight ever again!  If I ever think I am fat, all I would have to do is take one look at George and know that there is someone bigger than I, and with much more bulk than I have.  I guess you could say I am projecting (psychological term) but, at least George cannot talk back, as hippopotami cannot talk, in case you didn’t know it.  He would have a bigger mouth, bigger, gut, bigger teeth, bigger nose, beadier eyes than I, and that is such an image booster!

Nothing wreaks with fashion more than a person skipping daintily down the street, schlepping their pet hippo on a leash behind him/her.  I would be the talk of Winnipeg in the spring and summer months walking on Wellington Avenue through the neighbourhoods, walking George!  Heads will turn and people willbe so jealous of me that they will want to run out to get their own water horse!

The third, final, and most important reason is one of safety.  No one would dare to rob, pounce upon, beat, eat, or in any other way aggress upon my corpus with George nearby!!!  Hippopotami are strict vegetarians (herbivores), so, if George is hungry, he will not eat me.  If anyone gives me a hassle, I will sick George on them, and they better watch out!

So, there are lots of benefits to having a hippo!  Hippos are environmentally conscious animals!  When they see someone’s lawn in need of trimming, they waste no time eating the excess grass!  They are clean animals, as they are constantly taking baths!  They are secure animals as they never have a complex about their body image.  Even their poop serves as a good fertilizer!!!! 

SO SANTA, I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS NAMED GEORGE, AND I WANT HIM IN PINK WITH PURPLE POLKA-DOTS ALL OVER..AND WITH PIGTAILS!!!  I am quite confident that you can swing it.

Moi

You know, there are times when we may say things, intending to mean one thing, but they come out the wrong way. This is something likened unto a brain hiccup, a tongue flub, or some other reasonable fax machine thereof.

Here are 7 sayings that have left my mouth, much to my embarrassment, and the mouths of others that have been within earshot (quotes by others are written in bold italic quotations):

1) I have never gossiped about you.  If I have something to say, I will say it in front of your back, not behind it!

2) I did not eat your last brownie.  I ate Shirley instead!

3) “Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen…and others.  Of course those who come to our meetings ARE ladies and gentlemen, but what I meant to say was that some of you have brought friends.”

4) “I would like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and from my wife’s bottom too!”

5) I am going to the barbers to get my hair and face chopped off.

6) OK.  Seeing that I cannot go now, I will run you down with the car to your house and then, you can drop me back home and keep the car until later.

7) I am so hungry I could swallow my calf!!

Moi

Definition - An Epiphany, an Epistle, and a Revelation all rolled into one.

I am currently looking (again) at some songs by Rachmaninoff which I will be performing 2006 April 19 @ 8:00PM, Eva Clare Hall, Faculty of Music, University of Manitoba (how is that for advertising???).  I am working on a new song from one of the last sets of songs he wrote, called ‘Dreams’ (not to be confused with ‘A Dream’ from an earlier set).  It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever worked on!  Now, as musicians, have you ever had that feeling that even after you have worked on a piece of music and you have gotten all the right notes and rhythms, and have analyzed the text, owned it, turned it upside-down and worked it through thoroughly, and yet, there is still something missing?  Well I have been feeling this way about this song!  And then, I had an epistrevy!  It was like another door in the great big mansion of music that I have been let loose in to go exploring.

My problem is that there is a part of this whole experience of discovery that is terrifying to me.  It is the fear of trusting my ideas, and going with them as far as they will take me at that moment.  Even if the ideas are wrong, being fully committed to that wrong idea is better than being trepidacious on the right ones.  THAT is what is becoming clear to me!  For this piece, I discovered that if we (i.e. my collaborative pianist and partner in crime, and I) would take the ‘cantabile’ section even further, by slowing it down, expanding it, like wings outstretched, as in the text, and enjoying it the way an eagle enjoys gliding all day through the air, it just might get us to the point of using that fear we have of the music as a wave we can both surf on!  And all the while, trusting that we know enough to be daring, and to challenge eachother!

A very wise and desperately learned professor once said that if you love something even just a little more than you fear it, then that love will force you to go with it and take risks!  So, now that I have been attacked by this epistrevy, I/we have lots of work to do this week!!!

So, in conclusion, if some of you out there would allow yourselves to have random epistrevies, just think of the possibilities:  Some of you would go boldly in public in pigtails like no one has ever gone before, some of you would go sky diving (preferably with a parachute), and the rest of you would run around half-naked outside with oreos in your mouths!  You know, I once had a dream where I think everyone in the music building had a sudden epistrevy.  I do not know why, but I dreamt that I had come in the school at my usual time and as people started pouring in, they were looking at me with rather strange wide-eyed expressions.  I went into the little boys’ room to check to see if I had everything all done up.  With no wardrobe malfunctions to speak of, I continued along with my day.  At noon, people were coming up to me and throwing things like onions, carrots, salt, and even ketchup at me!  I was talking to Ms. Liebowitz just outside the office and she threw a handful of seasoning salt right at me.  Then, she went into her handbag and pulled out a double-pronged, long-stemmed skewering fork and started poking me with it.  Just outside, some of the guys from the jazz department were lighting a bonfire………..WAIT A SECOND!……………(*insert 20 second Jeopardy jingle here*) Tah-da-da-duh-duh-da-da-dah, da-da-da-da-dah-duh-da-da-da-da-da-da-da duh-duh-da-da-dah-drrrrrrp*-da-da-da-da-da-dah. Tah-da-da-duh-duh-da-da-dah-da-da-da-da-dah-duh-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-duh-duh-da-da-dah-drrrrrrp*-da-da-da-dah (*rest*) dah (*rest*) dah (*thud, thud*).

(*now insert blood-curdling, vein-popping, high pitched scream here*)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

For those of us who are musicians, we will have to, at some point or another, give what is called a recital.  Now, giving a recital is a very special time in the life of any musician, as it is a chance to showcase the work that has been done over a period of time.  It is a time to pick and play your favourite musical pieces to perform, and a good excuse to ‘max out’ your credit cards in buying the right recital dress!! Women are especially guilty of this kind of behaviour.

There is, of course, a down side to recitals.  That happens to be dreams we have at night in the days coming up to the big event.  Today, I will share a few of my past pre-recital nightmares, and I will be sinking my ‘psycho fish-hooks’ as it were into the heart of these to see what interesting analyses (or any other reasonable facsimiles thereof) I can dredge up. 

So brace yourselves!!  

Recital Nightmare #1.  I had a dream that I was preparing for my first formal voice recital.  I arrived early for the event.  I got dressed, warmed up, and got my music all ready for my pianist.  I even went out and put the programmes, pre-stuffed with notes and translations, out in the foyer for people to take as they would come in.  I even pre-set the gift I ad gotten for my pianist. Tables were already set up for the brownie-fest to follow…  MMMM! BROWNIES!!  But I digress…

I am about to make my entrance for the first number.  I kept on feeling a draught and was not sure where it was coming from.  I chalked it up to jitters.  I went out unto the stage only to be greeted by people laughing and looking away.  Somehow in the whole mix of my preparations, I forgot to PUT MY PANTS ON!!!

Analysis:  That fact that I did not have my pants on could have meant that I either: a) had a desire to live vicariously though a Las Vegas showgirl, or cartoon character; b) was overstressed at that moment or c) had flipped into temporary insanity.  There is no d) all of the above, so don’t say it!!!  Needless to say that I made sure I was wearing pants that night!

Recital Nightmare #2.  I was about to give a recital in Russia.  Lots of important people were going to be there.  I got to the hall and got changed, double-checking that I was wearing pants!  I was thinking to myself that I had thought of everything.  What could possibly go wrong?  I walked out, chest first, unto the stage with my pianist.  She began to play.  I opened my mouth to sing, and what came out were…bubbles!  Oh yes! And gurgling noises too.

Analysis:  A week before, I had attended a wedding of a friend, and they had little bottles of soap.  I love blowing bubbles!!! It is possible that when I went to sleep the night of this dream, I may have gone to bed hungry (as I did not have a lot of food at the time). So maybe in the dream, I ate the bottle.  When I woke up that morning, I could no longer find said bottle!!  Hmmmm…  It is ridiculous to think I would eat a bottle of soap!  However, I do remember clearly having a stomach ache 4 hours before the recital!!!

Recital Nightmare #3.  Russian Festival recital.  I was collaborating with Beryll.  She and I performed at the Eckhardt-Gramatté Hall at the University of Winnipeg.  The night before, I dreamt that Beryll and I walked unto the stage and people clapped.  Just as I was about to let her know that I was ready, Beryll got up from the bench, and walked away from the piano, and off the stage…and did not come back!!  During that time, all I could do was stand there, grin desperately, and I began to give some one-liner jokes to pass the time.  I figured that she went to take a powder, stitch a quilt, or went to the little girls’ room or something like that.  She never came back. The crowd was became restless and someone  threw a tomato at me.  It was while the tomato was in mid-flight, that I woke up.  This was the scariest one of them all!

Analysis;  Beryll is out to get me!

So, those are just three examples of some of the horrid pre-recital nightmares that I have had.  I know that some of you will have them at some point.  Do not worry though.  The recital will most likely go well and all will be fine…

JUST WATCH OUT FOR BERYLL!!! (*insert scary violin screeches here*)

Moi

Here are 7 sayings people have said to me, and how my mind interprets them:

1) Oh Paul!  You are such a well-rounded person. (Hidden Meaning: Paul, you’re fat!)

2) Paul, you can only have one piece of chocolate!  (Hidden Meaning: I know you are going to inhale the whole thing; just give me time to get away so that I do not see you spinning about.)

3) Paul, you smell like baked goods.  (Hidden Meaning: I’d love to HAVE you for lunch right now!)

4) Paul DAHLINKS! I could just eat you alive right now! (Hidden Meaning: Paul DAHLINKS, I could just eat you alive right now!)

5) Paul, there is a sale going on at Wal-Mart. (Hidden Meaning: Paul, please do not wear that hiddeous grey sweater again!)

6) Paul, you look like you need a massage. (Hidden Meaning: Come here, Doughboy! I need something to pummel and you are perfect!)

7) Paul, you SO have a pigtail fettish!  (Hidden Meaning: Paul, I am jealous of your hairstyling abilities!)

NOW, here are 7 sayings of mine, and what they really mean:

1) I am really not paranoid.  (Hidden Meaning: You are all just trying to EAT me!!!)

2) I am still alive! (There is no hidden meaning to this)

3) I am desperately ticklish. (Hidden Meaning: PLEEEEASE don’t tickle me!!!!!!!!!)

4) I do not have a pigtail fettish!  (Hidden Meaning: I really do not have a pigtail fettish and you are all nuts!)

5) You’re not listening to me, are you?  (Hidden Meaning: You have figured out how to tune me out for your own sanity, right?)

6) Hmmm… Why are you looking at me so longingly? *GASP!* (Hidden Meaning: ACK! You are thinking of me, tied to a stake, over an open flame with AN APPLE IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!)

7) There they go, ‘zwiddling’ desperately along…  (Hidden Meaning: What I envision people doing most of the time.)

NOTE: The definition of the word ‘zwiddle’ can be found in the earlier blog entry on “Neologism”.  I am sure you will find it most entertaining.

Dedicated to Helga’s nose. 

Thank God for noses!!! Of all the members of the human body, the nose is a part that gets criticized too often.  I guess that is because some people have problems accepting the noses that they were given!

“There is none so wonderful as the nose!

Tis more graceful than fingers or even toes…

With varying shapes of sizes

Still no one realizes

The beauty and the glory that it shows!”

Some people scorn their noses

As they think they are too long or too flat.

Others do their best to hide them

Claiming that they are too round or too fat!

We care about fashions and wear good clothes

Yet no one knows whose noses are those.

They are hidden from sight

As they’re thought to cause fright

If viewed by the public…..who knows!!

Inspired was I by a nose one day

That I had to write down this ode

Twas the nose of a black woman in a play

That did put me in this “nose-worthy” mode

I had never seen a nose like that

As graceful it was to me

Twas neither too broad, nor was it too flat

But twas just right for her face, you see.

In Europe, long noses are what it’s about

As times are colder than here

But in Africa the noses are snub and stout

As there’s no need to warm up the air.

Noses are interesting things!

But no matter where you are from;

Their role for them unfurled…

They identify who you are and

Where you come from in this world!

© Paul Williamson

2001, December 10

Now I know I am asking for trouble! I am sure I know at least one thing that has crossed your mind several times in your life: “What are they all thinking?”

Well, guess what? Today, you all will get a backstage pass into my little mind. Yes, I will let you in on some of the thoughts (written in italics) that have crossed my little mind in the last 24 hours (from waking up to going back to bed)! I will intersperse them with actual sayings from the day in quotes, so you will get the whole picture.

“Five o’clock!! Time to move some bacon Paulie!” OK! I am awake! AGAIN!!! I wonder what my hair looks like this morning… I don’t feel like taking a shower, but if I don’t, I will regret it later! I love the smell of citrus and apricots in the shower! I need to buy more of this stuff. Wait a minute! I wonder if this is what Deedee was referring to when she said I always smell like baked goods??? HMPH! Oh well… Why does everyone think I have an obsession with pigtails? That is just silly!

“Good Night Manny! How are we?” I am sure he is out to get me! He always looks at me as if I am an option for dinner! Whenever he sharpens those knives when I am around, he always looks at me with wide open eyes and a smirk. “OK! I’m off! (Manny: “You’ve been off for years, boy!”) Thanks for the bag lunch. I will be BACH!” (Manny: “Thanks for the warning!”)

“Ooo! I like this brisk weather. I hope winter stays forever!” Oh shut it Paul. Come on now! Move those hamhocks!!! It is cold out here!!

“Good Night Helga and Lulu! How are we?” Oh I hope either Helga or Lulu needs a shoulder rub today. I need to knead something to deal with some issues. “Lulu, you look so FABULOUS today!” And with pigtails, the look would be fully complete!! “Whoops! Did I just say that out loud?”

“Oooo! Hello Beryll!” Please don’t hit me! Please don’t hit me!! “You know, I had a dream about you the other day. You were doing tondus and splits for no particular reason…” **Ouch!** I knew that was coming!

“Hello, Mr. McSprechenzuviel! I am still alive! How are we today?” And the pharmacy begins! I am determined to find you a woman who will nurse you back to full health. “Oh thanks for the tea.” I really hate green tea with no sugar, but bless your pointy little head!! If you don’t stop flailing around, I am going to duct-tape you to your chair!!!

“Hello Ma’am…Yes Ma’am…” Oh how I wish I could just give you a full make-over! Let’s see… A new hair-do, some bright colours and fabric for dresses, and some wild lip colour! Hmmm! I can see this happening…and pigtails…! “You want me to stand where?…”

“Oh my! Kitty, you look so adorable…” In pigtails! You should do this look more often. I don’t know why she thinks I am crazy…

“OK! Good Morning! I am going home now. See you all yesterday!” My bed! I am seeing you now! I wonder what my bed would look like in pigtails…I wonder if anyone has called me today. What am I going to wear tomorrow?? My nose is big. Have I eaten today? I wonder what I am going to write about tomorrow in my blog… I wonder…I wonder who is still trying to eat me!!!!

So, there you have it! This was some of what went through my little mind in the last day or so. Maybe, just maybe I might share more at another time.

Moi

For those of us who sing opera, and intend on making a career of it, one of the scariest realities for me is that my career is fundamentally based on two very delicate folds of tissue, which is surrounded by cartilage and muscle.  Of all the parts of the body, these two folds  of tissue have the least number of nerve endings.  So one cannot tell immediately when there is injury, strain, or even abnormalities.

I think I can understand when those who are not singers wonder why we choose to make a career out of this.  I mean, there is a less likelihood of your hands being chopped off or injured if you are a pianist than damaging your voice.  You take certain precautions such as being extra alert with knives and pots on the stove, and there are certain games you will not play for fear of injury.  I am not saying that those who play external instruments have nothing to worry about, but as singers, our instrument is inside our bodies, and it is an instrument that is exposed to danger everyday!  When we get sick, the instrument gets sick too.  When we have to talk a lot, the instruments gets tired.  When we avoid talking to save our voices, people get annoyed with us and call us divas!  Even whispering can be dangerous!! We are constantly in some kind of a catch-22 situation!

Let’s look at this from a logical stand point.  Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, invest so much time, money, energy, and emotion into two folds of tissue, which could go kaput on me at any moment?  Why take the risk of going through all of this when it could be lost in a single moment, never to be regained?  I know these questions well because I have been asked them by family and friends repeatedly.

For people like Luciano Pavarotti, Leontyne Price, Beverly Sills, Dame Joan Sutherland, and others, one could say that luck was on their side, and because of that, they were able to enjoy excellent careers, and are now retired (or retiring) with being immortalized through recordings and bust statues dipped in bronze!!  They worked hard and made a lasting impression on this world through their music.

For me, there is only one reason why I chose to go down this road…

GOD!

Yes.  God gave me the gift to sing.  It is the one talent I have.  There are many people with many talents, as they are able to do many things well.  I envy my father, mother and sister, because they are able to, outside of their own careers, do other things really well.  They always have options available to them.  For years, I tried to explore what my other options were.  It is always wise to have a fall-back plan. Even though I am capable of doing other things, and have in times past, I have found that the one thing that I can do well is…sing.  There are days when I feel like a total failure because sometimes, not even this gift, that I know that I do can well with, gives me a yield of harvest for all that has been sown into it.  But that still does not change the fact that God gave me this gift.  This fact alone is what causes me, even in the midst of deep depression, to persist.

I know what the odds are.  I know that in this world, a leading black tenor on the opera stage is still considered taboo in the minds of a lot of people. And I know some of what could go wrong with the voice as well.  So, to my mind, my most logical reasoning I have is to place the insurance of my voice, of this gift, in the hands of the One who made these two folds of tissue and gave me the ability in the first place.  GOD!  He made me.  He gave me the drive to pursue opera and the voice to do it with. It is in God that I have purpose and through Him, that I will make it. 

So, what better security can I, or anyone else for that matter, have? Hmmm?

Here are 7 profound factoids that I have discovered over time:

1) It is possible in life to forget to take that “left toyn at Albakoykie”

2) Some people actually do collect doorknobs by ANY means possible

3) Operasingers are always assumed to be fat and dripping by the public

4) Blaming the dog for eating your homework never works as an excuse…

5) Unless you have a psychotic dog in desperate need of fibre!

6) I am normal…REALLY I AM!!

7) Crying ‘foul’ in Jamaica means you are serving chicken for dinner