My Friend Cleopas Krittermann!
I have a friend named Cleopas Krittermann! I consider him to be very wise, learned, mature, and very respectful of the environment and flowers! He has a desperate knack of the obvious! For example, he will look me square in the eyeballs and tell me, “Moi, if my hunch is correct, and if I am abreast of things, it would be safe to assertain that you are still living!!” I tell you he is the most astute person I know, not to mention, excessively intelligent and an avid athlete. He never walks anywhere. He zwiddles everywhere he goes. I can usually hear him zwiddling along from afar. We have actually zwiddled together thrice before!! I remember this one time at band camp…Wait a minute! Sorry. Wrong story!!
He once told me that being condemned to being moisturized everyday should be made a life sentence for the most vile offenders! I took this to heart and did ponder much upon it. You know, it made me ask the question: Why are men afraid of spas, skin moisturizers, manicures, and other reasonable lexmark turbofaxes thereof??
Well, thanks to Cleopas, I think I can use my intellect to bring some answers to this burning question.
One reason that men are afraid of such therapies is that it challenges the testosterone-filled ego. To think of a hardened man getting his nails done is unthinkable in the world of men. They would much rather prefer walking around all dry and crusty and filled with dead cuticles and flakey scalps.
Another reason men are afraid is that there is a well-kept secret amongst men. Some men are afraid of the smallest things! I have, with my own eyes, seen men cowering in fear upon seeing mice, roaches, needles, and even ladybugs! It is not like having a legitimate fear, like that of being eaten, or something similar to that. I think it is hilarious that a woman can have any man backed up into a corner and in her power with a pair of tweezers!
A third reason is that men in generally whimps when it comes to pain!!! Yep, ladies! We are. But I am sure you already knew that. Women endure discomfort every month in the form of menstruation. They actually squeeze people out of their bodies. And the most horrifying of all of all, THEY WAX!!!! So, it stands to reason that any beauty treatment would make any man go weak in the knees, woof their cookies on the spot, or just curl up into the foetal position, sucking their thumbs on the floor and yelling for mother!
So, anytime Cleopas sees me walking in his general direction with lotion on my hands, he automatically assumes the worst and runs for his life screaming and flailing desperately. He will be OK. I know that he will come around. I am, however, puzzled by his constant desire to see me boiling away in a cauldron over an open flame. I do not know what it means, but I am sure that one day, my little mind will be able to grasp this profound idea.
Moi
