Dearest Son Wildo: A Letter To A Son From His Mother
Dearest Son Wildo,
This is your dear mother. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS IN SUNNY FLORIDA!! I know that by this time, you would already be in Disney World with your fifth wife and eight kids. By the way, I seem to not be able to remember her name. Is it Jenda? I think it is Jenda, as Griselda-Lee was the one with the overbite and gingivitis. Anyway, I am writing you to let you know that I am thinking of you in this season. I am doing fine where I am now. That one way ticket you sent me to The Alaskan Outback was a real prize! And please thank Splenda as well, as I know she had everything to do with it. Things here are pretty good. The one thing about living up here is that it is very cold all the time! I want to make sure I thank you for the car you sent me though! Yes I got it! All three parts of it arrived last week. Even though I had to use up the last of my life savings and pension money, and the money your father left me to live on as well (not to mention, take out a loan from that bank, which meant I had to put up the house for collateral) to pay the duty charges and have it shipped to the junk yard. Not to worry though. I would not have been able to drive here anyway. There are very few roads and because of the snow, it is best to sled around town. But I do not want you to fret, OK. It turns out to be a blessing in disguise! I was able to salvage the metal bumper from the car for my hip replacement that you put off so long with me because Brenda claimed you were bankrupt. It feels OK now. If I keep still long enough, I cannot feel a thing, so do not fear. The doctor who did the operation is so good. He told me he did a similar surgery to his pet hamster, and does them from his office 6 a day! Now isn’t that great? Even though my body is still rejecting it, and I am on heavy doses of drugs to numb the pain, it seems to be OK . It actually makes my hips look wider now, and I guess that is still a plus, even at my age! I am having a great holiday here! I know that you must be having it rough though. Yes. All those trips to Disney World and those ski outings in the Alps that Glenda makes you go on must cost so much money. I remember when Fenda told me told me that you were not able to send me to my only sister’s funeral last year. You remember dear aunt Mildred, don’t you? Yes, the one who gave you her blood for the transfusion surgery you had ten years ago. I was able to earn some money at a night club (the only one in town) and I went to see her in California and spent a weekend with her in the cemetery. Not to worry though, I only slept with about 22 army men and the whole of downtown to get the money for the plane ticket! Even though they made me dance on my sore bumper hip before having their way with me, I am still OK nonetheless. That weekend was so good for me. I was able to talk with her and read to her the letter I wrote to her that I could not afford to post to her before she died. I dug her up from her grave, and she actually looked happy to see me!!!!! Seeing that there was no money for a funeral then, I found a local (and very drunk) pastor in a bar and we gave her a proper burial. See what you can do with a few cents and a shovel? Anyway, after I gave her a bath and a new hairdo, we put her back in the ground. I even planted some fresh flowers by her grave so that she can have a fresh sniff of them whenever she wants to.
Oh how could I be so ungrateful!! I forgot to thank you for that sweater you got for me. Yes the one from the Salvation Army 8 years ago! I still have it. It is the only warm sweater I have, and my favourite of course! I managed to repair all the moth-eaten holes in it, and I also got out the puke coloured stain that it came with. Nothing like lots of elbow grease I always say! Now I cannot bend my arms, as the doctor said that they have ceased up due to the stress on them. He also said that I caught a staph infection from digging up auntie, and that could also cause the stiffness. Oh well, I should not be moving around that much anyway.
Please greet my grandkids for me. Let them know that grandma’s gifts will come bit late this year. I had to sell my dentures, my prosthetic leg, and my glass eye to buy some yarn, and pull out the surgical pins in my other leg to use them as knitting needles to knit some sweaters for them. I am half way through, and I have learned to knit with ceased up arms! Your mother is so talented!
Do not worry about the house. It was foreclosed on as I had no more money to pay to the people who were threatening to kill you. There was not much of the house left when they took it though. I had to break off the roof and the doors to use them as firewood to keep warm. I also had to stick some silly putty in the cracks when I had to dig into the wall to get to the insulation so that I could make a makeshift blanket with it. But no need to worry about your poor old mother. I know you cannot afford for me to come and stay with you in Florida, and I would never want to impose. Plus, Zelda and I get along so well from this distance! The new owners though are very nice to me. They let me live in the little house in the back. You remember that one? The one Poodles lived in, before I had to butcher her for food. I miss her. She was kind of tough and gamey, but with some A1 Sauce, she went down good!
So there is really NO NEED to worry about you suffering old mother. I love you just the same and want you to be happy with Relda and the kids. Oh yes, and please give Helga a special greeting for me! Tell her that I love the fruit cake she sent me! It has a collection of stamps from all over the world! Plus, it is so tough now, that I use it to hold the door to Poodles kennel closed at night, and it works great!! She sent me a picture of your new dog over there. WHAT A BIG BITCH SHE IS!!!! The dog I mean… Anyway, mother loves you very much! Remember that you always have a place in my heart, and a place to come back to, in case it does not work out with Huldah, or Blunder, or whatever the DEVIL her name is. I will always have the best in my heart to say about that…woman, who stole you screaming from my breast, and now seems to have you mercilessly bound, gagged, and knocked senseless with a milkbottle, while smothering you to her $10,000.00 “FFF” PARISIAN SILICON BOSOMS!
Your ever-loving mommy.
