Paul’s “G”odiva Spot

Millions upon millions of people ride the metro around the world everyday. Since coming to Toronto, I am now one of those masses. Everyday, I board the metro at Finch Station, and head to school, going south. It takes roughly about one hour to get to school from home, and that includes taking the bus to Finch Station, and then, hopping on the Metro. Now I know normal people call it th Subway, but seeing that many of you doubt my being normal, I have decided to assist you in your delusions.

The Metro is called different names in the different parts of the world. In the U.S. and Canada, it is called the Subway, while in Britain, it is called the Underground, the Tube, or the Metro. In Europe, it is, for the most part, called the Metro as well. Interesting, idn’t it???

So everyday, when I ride the Metro, I cannot help but notice the other people who are crammed in along with me onboard. I see so many facial expressions everyday. Most of them are usually focused on getting to where they need to go and hoping that no one talks to them during the trip. Now you all know that I have an imagination that tends to carry itself away at will. In other words, my mind has a mind of its own and does as it wishes. I only find myself catching up with it when I am the only one onboard who is giggling away, with everyone wondering who I am talking to.

I always wonder what people are thinking when they are onboard the Metro. Judging my the looks on their faces, it can be hard to figure out, but very easy to imagine. So here are some thoughts that I think people are thinking when they are onboard (mark you, this is what my imagination thinks they are thinking, not me; I am the innocent one in all of this!):

What is she looking at? What IS she looking at???…Oh no! I forgot to feed Seipe! He is not going to be happy when I get home!…Eeeewww! Who told her she looked hot in pink?! Girl get it together!!!…This is just a temporary exile; me, mingling with all these commonfolk, and on a subway no less! I am only here because my limo is really in the shop (probably repossessed!)and I was told that this would be a good way to blend in…Oh NO YOU DI’INT!!! You did NOT wear white after labour day!…Girl, you need to get a grip and go to Winners or something, OOOKK!!!!…I want my mommy, NOW!!!…Why did I wear these shoes today?…Am I fat?…I haven’t pooped in FOUR DAYS!!  What’s YOUR  problem??…I am better looking than he is…Oh, you stink!…Pork stew or beef cutlets tonight…HMPH! That attention-stealin’, style-violayt’n, (*lips perked, and neck in a slow swivel*) fake-weave-wearin’ HEFFER!!! She comin’ up in here with her $2.99, whatever you call that (*internal snap*) HOOCHEY-MAMMA hairdo!! Girl, you trippin’!!!…Look at the funny guy with the hat! What is he thinking about…PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!!!…She is so skinny. I hate her!…Bad hair colour! Very bad!!…Please get off my foot!…I will get through this. I will get through this!…I am going to break up with my boyfriend…My girlfriend’s gonna dump me!…Let’s be friends…NOT!!!!…I can’t stand the way he’s always constipated and irritable, and he refuses to GET A %&$#*@! COLONIC!!!…Finally! My stop! Thank GOD!!!!!!

So you see, I am rather entertained when I am onboard everyday, and needless to say, I do get a few good giggles along the way. In every cloud of drudgery, there is a humourous silver lining!

Moi

I have decided to devote an entire blog entry on the guilty subject of COMMENTS! Now I have noticed lately that my readership has been slowly dripping down the tubes, as there are fewer and fewer comments coming my way about my entries.

Just so that you all know, telling me that you are busy is NOT an excuse in my book. You see, human beings are funny creatures. We make time for the things we want to do, and pass the rest off as not having enough time to do them. I too am guilty of this as I kept forgetting to call a family friend who lives in the city. When she eventually called me, I apologized profusely and said I really did not have an excuse, and NEITHER DO YOU!!!

So, having said that, I really want you to read the blog entries. Just think. At least by reading them, and leaving evidence thereof (i.e. a comment…or 9!) I have the comfort of knowing that you are indeed keeping tabs on my corpus, in a non-edible way of course! In other words, I am less likely to send you one of my guilt-ridden e-mails begging for attention. You know, one of which has me whining about something like, “Now I know that you are all so desperately busy, and have more important things to do, but it would be nice if you even just sent a word…just one word, not two, but one…to say “hi”. I will know that you bothered to think of little old me, and that I did not cause you too much constipation…At least I would know that you were still able to think of me, albeit for a second, and not be incapacitated by being in labour for 12 hours on the toilette.” You know…something along those lines.

So, do I have a committment from you all (HELGA!) to read my bloggies? You do not need to read them everyday because I do not put in a new entry everyday. But, if you did read them everyday, then I would write in them everyday! Really I would! And all of you (CLEOPAS!) who are so dear to me, will be able to keep abosom of what is happening (PENELOPE!) in my desperate, little life!! Which reminds me…I saw someone wearing pigtails the other day (RITA!) and I had a thought! I think there should be a day set aside for wearing pigtails! It should be a NATIONAL PIGTAIL DAY! So everyone, including those with hair like mine, should wear pigtails, whether real or fake. I hear they make some great wigs for that nowadays…and I do not have a pigtail fettish!  For that’s just silly.  OK! SOMEBODY should be giving me a flaming comment right about now!!!!

Moi

I had my second voice lesson today.  To say it was interesting is only putting it mildly.  Firstly, I am blessed to have the teacher that I have now!  She has, in a short time, acquired so much knowledge about my voice and how I use it, that she is able to address long-standing vocal issues that I have had.  She is now helping me to fine-tune the voice, and get to the little details that will, I believe make a positive difference in my long-term vocal health, and goals.

This was the first time that I have had my lesson videotaped.  Usually, I have had my lessons audiotaped in the past, whenever I have had them taped, but this was a new experience for me.  It was a good lesson and I think I am on to something.  I am not 100% there yet, but I know that as time passes, the changes will set in.

One thing about having your lesson videotaped is that you get to see and hear everything: the good, the bad, and the desperately unattractive!!!  The good side of this was that I got to “see” the way that I sing.  I got to hear the not-so-good notes, and, more importantly, I got to see what I did to correct them!  I also got to take a good look at my posture, breath, and even how I my onset sets the tone of how that phrase is going to go.  I would highly recommend to everyone studying voice to have their lessons videotaped where possible!

However, there is an unpleasant side to this!  I got to see myself from different angles, and I am thoroughly surprised that the camera survived the ordeal, and is still working, as far as I know!!!  This was a very humbling experience for me.  I got to take a good, long, hard look at some chins I never knew were there, as well as the fact that whenever I had my back to the camera that the lens was able to capture ALL of my butt!  Seeing that most of the filming was of my side profile, I only saw all of my butt when I had to turn to fetch music, etc. And it was not a camera with a wide-angle lens!!!  Amazing what they can do with technology!  One thing is for sure.  I can now see why you all are trying to eat me.  There is LOTS of me to go around!!!!  But I am still not edible, so get a grip!!!!!!

The hardest thing for me to deal with was to listen to myself talk!  I am just now getting used to listening to my singing voice on recordings etc., but to listen to myself talk, I think I see why people have always poked fun at me.  My speaking voice is really very different from when I sing.  I mean, I have always known that, but the reailty set in today fully for the first time.  However, the more I listened to myself, the more I came to like the way I talk, and I found myself actually accepting it, and being OK with it.  That for me is a big step in the RIGHT direction!!!  For years, I have been, and still am in a lot of ways, uncomfortable with myself, because people have always treated me as if there is something wrong with me that needs fixing.  I walk funny, I talk funny, I am too fat…you name it!  Sometimes, even all three at once!!  It is no wonder that grew up with this paranoia (other than the one of being eaten, that is) that I was always doing something wrong, and that I always needed to change this or that.  It is probably one of the main sources of the anxiety that still plagues me.

But after today, I am starting to feel OK with my speaking voice.  If people do not like it, or if they are put off by it, then they can talk with someone else.  If they do not like the way that I move my body (and by saying so, I do not mean doing anything rude or obscene, for that is unacceptable to me) then they can look at someone else, or they can just avoid me altogether.  I am DONE with trying to please everybody!!  Do not get me wrong though.  I do wish to please, and I do wish to do all I can for those I love, for it is a big desire of mine to make people happy and to give what I can and do what I can for them, but I have limitations and I am just now beginning to feel permission to be alright with that.

This is a new road for me.  Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I have very high standards and expections of myself, as a musician, as someone’s friend, as a person.  I treat friendship with the highest respect, and I value relationships deeply.  There is a saying that says “do unto others as you would have them do to you…”  It is found in Scripture and I trully believe that, and that is why I try to treat others in the way I want to be treated.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but if the journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step, then I only have 999 left to go!  YEAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So I am zwiddling along desperately, on the yellow brick…wait a second…!

Moi

So it is 3:18AM and I am desperately awake. No, I am not listening to recordings of Brünnhilde blasting her way through her pigtails and pointed brass bra, or Beverly Sills gleefully chortling high E-flats into her bossoms, or even Mari Lynn, desperately butchering ‘una voce poco fa’ to death with her vocal ‘battle-axe’ non-technique (oh nausea!!)!! I am just…awake, desperately awake, with no possibility of sleep anywhere in sight.

So, I got the brilliant idea to update my blog! By the way, thank you so much for reading my blog and for making comments on it. If this is a guilt trip for some, to make you read this, then I am glad it is working. Since my little ’stint’ in Buffalo, NY, I am now beginning to settle into the routine of school again. School is definitely back in session, as everytime I walk the halls of my new school home, I hear some student or another squealing about it being nap time already, and it is only 9:00AM! Yep! Sounds like school alright.

Last evening, I went to a cocktail party hosted by one of the faculty members, as a kind of ice-breaker, and a get-to-know-you sort of thing. I really do not like such events because it becomes more like a “Dahlinks, you look FAAB!! Good to see you again (*fake laugh*)…(*spilt second pause*) Who are you?” That kind of faux fur is not my taste at all. I had a hard time trying to talk to people, because I felt that some were only talking to me because their party had not arrived yet, or whenever they did, they would always stop abruptly, and move on to the next person. Now for someone like me, who needs constant attention, this is very frustrating. So, I made the best of it and hovered around, making sure I could keep my eyes on the chocolate, and the cheese (Mmmm! Chocolate and cheese!!). I did, however, meet a few people who I felt were genuine and I had a nice chat with them. I hope to run into them again at school.

I have started singing at a church (church job) in Toronto. It has a very good choir, a massive pipe organ, and the people there are nice. Some of the my fellow choir members do scare me though, and it would take a lot for me to say that I am scared of someone…outside of the random person trying to eat me that is. Usually, I tend to scare people, not intentionally, but it happens. Now, I am the one running for cover and (*GASP*, with palm facing outwards on forehead) yelling for my mother to make my bed because some belle demoiselle has threatened to poison my milk, and pluck the petals of my virgin ears with naughty, naughty tales, so as to set them aflame, and my mouth desperately agape!!! (*desperate breathe!*) There are three people out of the lot that seem amenable, and I am trying to warm up to them. I am slowly trying to convince them and I am not edible, and that I really am sane. Really I am! In fact, I renewed my certificate of sanity just last week!!

All kidding aside now, in all of this, God still continues to bless me, and to show His mercy and grace to me. I am on a journey, and none but He knows every nook and cranny, every corner, every turn. So I will continue to zwiddle desperately along with Him.

Moi

Have you ever watched a movie with someone who has already seen it, and feels it is his or her lot in life to TELL you the plot, get excited ahead of time to warn you of funny, or shocking moments? Well, that is kind of the image I have when I think of God. God is not annoying, but I have an image of Him, sitting in heaven, watching our lives unfold, desperately and gleefully chewing on ‘heavenly-buttered pop-corn’, just watching our lives unfold. He sees the end from the beginning, and knows every moment, and just gets giddy with glee when the exciting parts come about. By the time we get excited about it, He says, “told you so!”

I think God loves DRAMA! And believe me when I tell you, I had some desperate drama in these last 24 hours. So grab your milk, plait your hair into pigtails and listen up…

I left yesterday evening (Sunday) and boarded a bus for Buffalo, NY U.S.A. I was going accross the border so as to renew my study permit. Now for the entire two weeks prior, I have been trying to gather as much information as possible as to wait times, procedures, crossing the border, etc. So based on everything I had gathered, I felt that I was pretty well informed and prepared. HAAH! When I got to the border, I was interviewed by an immigration officer who promptly told me that he would not be letting me through because my status in Canada had already passed, and as a result, I could not cross. Needless to say, I was pulled off the bus, made to sit in the ‘time out’ corner while all the other passengers passed me by, looking at me up and down, as if I had done something bad. As I sat there in the naughty-box, I began to wonder what I had done to deserve this. But, before I got on the bus in Toronto, I called my mother. She said something to me that sank deep into my heart, and I found myself meditating on it on the trip down. She said, “when God says He is going to take you through something, you are to trust Him, even and especially when things go wrong. THAT is when God asks, ‘do you trust Me?’” At that moment, when I began to see my time in Toronto coming to a grinding halt, God asked me, “do you trust me?” And just then, something in me snapped! Then, a saying (that I made up) came to me. THE DEVIL CAN ONLY RATTLE THE CAGE; HE CANNOT BEAT IT DOWN. I felt as if my cage was being rattled, and my task was to ignore it, and focus on God. So I became unusually still. I felt God’s perfect peace in a most powerful way. I have never experienced that level of peace in the midst of this kind of turmoil before.

The man came back and told me that he was going to send me back to the Canadian side of immigration, and if they can guarantee me entry in any event, he would let me through. I went back over there, and I believe the Lord sent me to a most benevalent officer. After telling her what I went through, she told me that there is no way that I could have known all that they told me as reasons for not letting me through, and that she totally understood me. She gave me the stamp that they were asking for, and then, I was able to go back to the U.S. side, and get them to let me in. So, I got in to Buffalo at 3:15AM. I found a police station where I rested for about two hours (slept sitting upright on a chair…believe me…it can be done!).

I got over to the Consulate, and when I went in, I presented the documents, and two hours later, I WAS GIVEN MY STUDY PERMIT FOR TWO YEARS!!! So now, I am safely BACH in Canada, and at home.

I really hope that this encourages you. God is not a Man that He should lie! When He starts something, He finishes it, and He is only asking that we dare to believe Him and not the surrounding circumstances. That is the challenge that we will spend the rest of our lives facing. I know my faith in God cannot ever be the same again!

Moi