Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Just in case you didn’t know it…

Here are 7 factoids I have learned about things that can be used for more than one purpose:

1. Shirtsleeves are not just coverings for shoulders, but also make good kerchiefs to blow one’s nose in!

2. Pigtails are not just worn, but they are also eaten! And they taste good cooked in rice and peas!

3. A wrench can be used to fix anything that leaks. I can also ruin and well-oiled machine!

4. Rolling pins are used to make wonderful pastries, and are also wielded by cantankerous women!!

5. Cheese curds (or Topfen in German) can be eaten with raisins (YUM!) as a healthy snack, or used as paste to be smeared across one’s bosom as a remedy for a chest cold or bronchitis…or you could combine the two and eat it off of someone’s bosom, but that’s KINKY! Plus, you are more likely to get beaten up like that.

6. Aloe vera is used all over the world as a healthy source of vitamin C and E. It can also be used as a tool of correction for potty-mouthed children by using it as a mouthwash.

7. Turn-style glass doors are popular for letting people into buildings…but they are more fun to just go round and round, and round in!!! I think that is what they are really made for!

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 17:13:43 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Monday, January 29, 2007

So my butt wiggles when I walk…GET OVER IT!!!!!

There was a time in my life when I obsessed over everything! I was particularly paranoid about the way I walked and talked. The more I tried to change my gait (a.k.a. mode of ambulation), the more frustrated I got, and the more paranoid I’d become. I remember years of being tortured in high school over this one issue (mark you, this was one of many issues I used to get teased about). It is constantly being told to me (as if I didn’t know it) that when I walk, my butt wiggles all about the place. I used to find this irritating, but now, I really couldn’t care less!!

Last week in our Alexander Technique class, I learned that men and women have different centres of gravity in their bodies. The centres of gravity in both men and women are just below the belly button, but for women it is lower in the pelvic girdle…(*BIG GIGGLE!*) And speaking of girdles, I finally got the ‘elephant out of the girdle drawer’ (refer to last week’s 7 factoids for more details). Methods 1-6 did not work, so in frustration, I faced the elephant dead on just as he was about to destroy my lucky purple and chartreuse polka-dotted boxer girdle-shorts by trying them on, and did a five-second shimmy! Not only did it send him running and screaming bloody murder to the tune of a badly played trombone, but now, he is in therapy for wanting to throw himself off of a flag pole (don’t ask me how he got up there) in order to fly like Dumbo! But I digress again! So, coming back to what I was saying, men, as a result, tend to walk on the balls of their feet, while women feel more of a swish in their hips. I am one of those desperate exceptions to the rule, where I seem to feel my centre of gravity lower down in my body as opposed to the typical man. I do not know why that is, and I am sick and tired of trying to ‘fix’ it!

It is not all bad though. At least there are some good things that come from my wiggling tooshie! At least it gets to roam freely and see the world behind me. Besides, I do not really feel it wiggling behind me anyway, and so, to me, it is a non-issue. All I try to do is ambulate from point A to point B. I really do not care to worry about how that looks so much, so long as it (my butt) does not knock anything or anyone over in the process. So please! I have other things to worry about, than the state of my rump roast!

I did once have two women hitting on my fully packed buns some years ago! They saw me zwiddling down the street and it was as if I could feel their eyes, like laser beams, piercing into the ‘junk in my trunk’! And they let me know it as well, which made me blush four shades of bronze!

So, in somma, Signori miei, I am quite happy with the way I happen to move, thank you very much! It is not perfect my any means, but I’d rather focus on other more important things…like keeping my hamhocks out of someone’s OVEN!!!

Moi

 

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 14:36:38 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Friday, January 26, 2007

I know that [some of] you think I am crazy!

You know, I have spent a lot of time and words on this blog page, trying desperately to convince you all that I am really not crazy.  I know that I am not crazy…and I am certifiably so!   Really I am!!  But with the passage of time, I have rethought my stance.  Maybe, just MAYBE, I could be considered at least, to be even a bubble slightly off-centre, but still not crazy by any means!

I mean, for one, I talk to myself.  I do not just talk to myself, but I ask myself questions and answer them, out loud no less, and give myself jokes and then laugh at them. I am known for being completely beside myself (as in pretending to stand beside myself), even greeting myself, shaking my own hands and even slapping myself on the wrists for being naughty.  And I do all of this with absolutely no shame!

When the rest of the world gets a joke, I am the only one to be clueless.  It is only after a lapse of about 5 minutes or so do I get it, after everyone else has moved on.  Now all of my life, I have struggled in my family in this area.  I never get it, and when I have gotten it, they have forgotten all about it and have no idea of what I am talking about.  I remember once getting a joke after a lapse of about two years!  I woke up yesterday morning, and remembered something I did not understand about two years ago, when I was visiting my family in Jamaica.  Well, I finally got it!  When I was chuckling to my mother on the phone telling her that I finally got it, I had to go through the pain-staking task (for me and for her) to remind her of the joke (which she barely remembers now), and that I just got it.  To that, her response is, “Paul, you’re crazy!”  But the reverse is also true.  Sometimes I am the only person in the room who is laughing when something is said, and no one else gets it.  There are even times when at the most inappropriate times, my imagination will take off (like a schoolgirl in pigtails who has had too much chocolate, and has been unleashed to skip daintily around the meadow, at least until the sugar rush wares off) on its own and catch me unawares, and I will burst out laughing, as has happened in the middle of an exam I was taking.  Oh the looks people have given me!

It is after 9:00AM and I am known to say, “goodnight!”.  Why do I do it?  Well, I seem to get a great kick out of seeing the disturbed looks on the faces of people when I say that.  They look at me as if they are trying to figure out either if I could be right and they are wrong, or which planet or asylum did I escape from.  I have also been been known to ask, “And how are we yesterday?”  There are other random sayings that daily leave unashamedly from my mouth: 

  1. “Oh goodie goodie goodie and the milk went sour!”
  2. “I am still alive, otherwise you would be talking to my apparition, which I would not think would be very healthy for you.”
  3. “You are desperately cute DAHLINKS!”
  4. “To get a good massage, you should put yourself (Helga!) into the bowl of a large, industrial strength HOBART mixer and set to ‘frappe’.  Then pour yourself out using a batter scraper, and knead yourself into a ball.  Afterwhich, pound to a pulp with a mallet!  Then, press into a form, and bake for 30 minutes at 190 degrees C, until well done. That should get out all the kinks in your system!”

 So tell you what.  I have decided that it is OK if you want to think I am out to lunch.  Actually it isn’t lunch time for another three hours, but I am not for a moment going to let that stand in my way.  Besides, this world would be desperately dry and dull if there were not any of us ‘colourful’ people in it to shake and stir things up.  Believe me when I tell you, I find those of you who think I am nuts HIGHLY ADDICTING, AND ENTERTAINING!!!!! 

Moi

 

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 14:31:38 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

RAGING SADISTS, WHIPS AND CHAINS…

(scroll down…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(keep going…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(almost there…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…are not the content of this entry!

 

 

Well, how ELSE was I going to get you to tune in?

Of course today’s entry is not about raging sadists, or anything of the kinky/naughty sort, but seeing as though you are here already, you might as well keep reading. You all are SO EASY!

You know, kids saying the strangest things, anywhere and at any time. This morning, I was on the subway on my way to school, when a father and son team boarded the train. The son was about 4 years old and is just developing a vocabulary. They came and sat right next to me.

From the moment they boarded, the child was babbling on about some person, or creature who never brushes his teeth. Now he is sitting so close to me that when I hear it, I start to check my own teeth with my tongue. I know I remembered to brush this morning, so he is not talking about me, is he? But then, this got me to thinking (some of you are now running for cover squealing “oh no!”, for anytime I start to get to thinking, you know that there is no stopping my imagination)…

In studio class yesterday, our beloved teacher challenged some of my colleagues to delve into the imagination with regards to exploring many different ideas for the music they were singing. So, with that in mind, I began to think of what it would be like if on any given day, NO ONE would brush their teeth all at once!

This is what I think would happen:

1. I think that there would be a very high fainting rate on that day. I have heard of cases of smells that become so overwhelming that they could fell a fully grown human being. If it has been recorded in science that a sufficiently loud noise can kill a bowl of goldfish, then a significantly bad smell could overwhelm a human being to the point of them passing out. And I think morning breath (or dragon breath as I have heard it called) counts!

2. More wild animals would show up in the city. Many animals are attracted to various scents, some of which are not detectable by humans. Some scents are so repulsive to us, but very addicting to certain animals. So it is not much of a stretch of my imagination to think that some people would have unexpected guests bursting down their doors (like elephants and hippopotamuses), completely drawn to the scent which to them is as sweet as honey is to us.

3. Oral hygienists would run gleefully squealing desperately to the bank…or be committed to a psychiatric hospital for therapy!

4. Animals who normally fear for their lives in terms of being eaten (myself desperately included) can now start planning their retirement. The cessation of brushing will eventually mean NO TEETH! So then, they would have to gum their greens!

So there you have it. All from the mouth of babes!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 14:19:30 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Just in case you didn’t know it…

Here are 7 factoids that my mother taught me about what to do when an elephant finds its way into your girdle drawer:

1. Size up your problem. You have an elephant gleefully trying on (and stretching out) your girdles!

2. Plan a strategy of extraction. Always try to coax the elephant out of the drawer with something tantalizing, for example, your best pink and purple polka-dotted corset!

3. Troubleshoot! Try winding up a toy mouse, let it loose, and see if that will get the elephant to run screaming to its mother! Should that fail, try streaking! Elephants hate that!!

4. Intimidate with bib and fork. Elephants do not like to be eaten (also something I do not like either!). So when they see you with bib, and fork in hand, they might just lumber out of your personal space. At least, it is worth a try.

5. Never bite off more than you can chew. Never try eating an elephant (or a hippopotamus in my case) in one sitting, should you choose to try tactic # 4. Eat only one forkful at a time.

6. Call for backup! Never be affraid to call in the help of a friend when attempting to remove an elephant from your girdle drawer. After all, two sets of hands are better than one.

7. If nos. 1-6 should all fail, and you still have an elephant in your girdle drawer, well then, hop into the drawer with it and you both can model girdles for each other! If you can’t remove them, JOIN THEM!!!!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 14:16:18 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Monday, January 22, 2007

New DAY…New WEEK!

It is Monday morning, and I am suffering from Traviata hangover! We had a good performance of La Traviata yesterday afternoon, where I got to sing a section from the role of Alfredo, Violetta’s lover. The story is a tragic one, and if you have seen Moulin Rouge with Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, then you would have seen the general story plot.

In a nutshell, guy loves girl, girl is a high priced strumpet. Girl longs for true love and is intrigued by the affection of guy, who offers genuine love, and girl trades in her high priced strumpeting lifestyle for a life in the country with guy. Oh yes, and girl has consumption! Broke but desperately happy, guy and girl live happily ever after…that is until guy’s father shows up to tell girl that guy comes from a certain status and she needs to forget guy so that guy’s sister can get married, seeing that status in those times was everything. Girl acquiesces and flees as per guy’s father’s request, and leaves guy confused and hurt. Guy gets mad, finds girl, is totally clueless as to girl’s decision to dump guy, and publicly insults girl, at which point guy’s father denounces guy and tells guy that he is being extremely naughty! Guy learns later that girl is dying and that her decision was made because guy’s father guilted her into it, and guy is now sorry and begs forgiveness. When all is forgiven, girl sees bright lights, hers voices and expires after dramatic high note (*GASP OF AIR!*). Oh yes, and in all of this, guy gets mixed up in a duel somewhere in the opera! All this clear yet? And no…none of the Violettas wore PIGTAILS, not that I am obsessed with them, for that’s just silly! Happy now???

And what’s more, we get to do it all (in sweetened condensed version) again today! Such is the typical life of a young opera singer. We literally sing and dance for money! So in one sense, we are all Violettas!!!! Longing for our passions, pining for opportunities, and having to just keep up the daily grunge work, we endure until our ‘Alfredos’ show up…and hopefully, we do not have to die of consumption after long, dramatic high notes soon after being discovered.

On the contrary, being an opera singer is such a big part of me, that I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life. I was BORN to do this! God gave me the gift of the voice for a reason…and this reason is to sing opera. And by God’s grace, I will make it. I just have to keep on singing the song, and dancing the dance of faith.

So what is on my plate this week? Let’s see… Today I have an audition with a conductor for an Easter programme, I have lots of music to learn, to get my hair cut, wigs to dye, geese to cook, and an whole slew of people to de-programme! I have to get them to STOP TRYING TO EAT ME!!! And speaking of hamhocks, mine are trimming down quite nicely, thank you very much!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 14:09:06 | Permalink | No Comments »

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Violetta should wear PIGTAILS!!!

This is a very busy weekend for me!  We, at the Opera School, are putting on an Opera Tea in which we will be performing scenes from all acts of La Traviata by Verdi.  I of course will be singing the role of Alfredo the desperately zwiddling lover in act 2 scene 2, who is one of two tenor roles in this whole…operation.  But first, a brief but important lesson about opera, and their cast of characters:

Let us begin with the fact that no opera would be complete without…the soprano.  Every opera has one, either as a main character for the most part, or as a supporting character.  Hers is the voice that soars above all the other voices, as the soprano voice is the highest of all female voices.  Idn’t that lovely, hmmm?  Now the thing about most operas I find is that the soprano usually ends up dying somewhere in the opera (usually at the end) from one of four causes:  suicide, murder at the hand of a jealous lover, self-sacrifice, or TB (otherwise known as consumption).  There is even another case of a soprano mounting her horse and riding into a funeral pyre, but that is for another entry!  In this opera, the fourth cause is the one used, and usually is evident by an long, drawn-out aria that usually starts off with the words, “I’m dying…”.  This usually goes on for at least half an hour, ending in the final high note, and a lifeless body crumpled on the floor.

The next is the mezzo-soprano, or alto voice.  In Italian, mezzo means half.  So we are talking about a lower, or half soprano voice. Nowadays, mezzos can sing as high (and sometimes even higher) than some sopranos.  Being a mezzo is not about high notes or lack thereof, but more about the colour of the voice in certain registers.  Mezzos have a richer, rounder, and more mature sounding sound, especially in their middle voice.  Mezzos are usually cast as aunties, grandmothers, maids, witches/sorceresses, earth goddesses, and the like.  In some operas, like Carmen, the mezzo is the main character and the one who is drooled over and eventually killed by a jealous lover.

The tenor.  He is lots of fun! (*grin*).  In this opera, he is the lover with so much passion, that it tends to be misguided at times, thus causing him to be impetuous and do silly little things, like throw money on the soprano, and call her a trollop.  And of course, once he has done that, then he’s sorry and spends the rest of the opera whining and trying to make up for it.  But as a tenor, I never whine!

And then you have the baritone, who is usually the father figure type.  OK!  End of lesson!

I think Violetta should wear pigtails because I think it would look so cute!  But there are some more practical reasons:

Pigtails keep one from having bad hair days.  When dying on stage, one has to look good at all angles.  Dying on stage is an art form that one has to know how to collapse, which hand to flop where, when to place the other on forehead, and even how to properly expire.  Having pigtails just gives one one less thing to think about.

They look cute flopping about as she prances around the stage in ‘Sempre libera’!  And, that in English means, ‘Always free’!  So there you go!  Pigtails are rather liberating!!!

And finally, one would not have to worry about hair getting into one’s foundation make-up.  So there you have it.  Violetta Valery in pigtails!!

Moi 

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 15:51:55 | Permalink | No Comments »

Friday, January 19, 2007

I AM THE SEED YOU SPAT OUT! (The Tale of a Famous Tree)

You had no idea
Of the potential that was within
Deep inside my heart
Was someone waiting to win.

You first saw me as fruit
And then you greedily ate
You seemed to enjoy me
As a sweet taste on your palate.

My juice ran down your veiny arm
And then you belched with glee
But when you saw the real me, the seed
You tossed me by carelessly.

Quickly from your mouth was I spat
To the ground so cold and bare
You never thought to pick me up
And put me under your care.

So there I sat for a very long time
In the soil, alone and afraid
Until one day, the rains did come
And further into the ground was I laid.

Then, underneath the surface
Did I begin to grow
You could not see the process
But it was going on, more than you know!

And soon enough I began to appear
Unknown to those outside walking
With little leaves, I began to shoot up
And soon some children began talking.

They noticed me for the very first time
As I pushed up the soil
They watered me, trimmed me and gave me light
And anointed my leaves with oil

And day by day, as the sun rose up
Did I continue to rise
And soon my green skin did turn brown
And my leaves did stretch to the skies.

Many seasons have passed me by
And with them, I grew stronger
And soon all who never saw me could see
My fruit to satisfy their hunger!

Now there was a man who was walking by
And noticed me one day
He was weak and hot and tired
So I leaned over to his way.

I gave him shade for him to rest
And shook fruit off for him
He looked up at me and began to smile
With his eyes sunken in and dim.

He slept and ate for a little while
And then, when ready to go,
He dug and planted by my roots
A gold nugget as big as his toe.

Soon after that my fruit did glow
As bright as the noonday star
And they became so sweet to taste
That people came from near and far.

And now everyone knows who I am
And I’m as popular as popular can be
For the day I was cast out by man
Was the day my potential was unlocked, you see!

So do not treat lightly the seeds you throw out
And careful of the people you do too
For like trees they too will grow out
And get much greater than you!

And yet, the moral of this tale
Is not about who’s to blame
But it’s just about one little seed
That from rejection came to fame!

© Paul Williamson

2001 December 3

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 16:41:08 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

ADVERTISEMENT!!!!!!!!!

Listen up! No I am neither selling toilettes, nor am I selling rhinestone encrusted plungers for three easy payments of $999.99 (with $99.99 extra for S & H)!!! So breathe a big sigh of relief. But, what if I told you that there is now a legal way in the Caribbean today of investing your money, so as to get a return of over 300% interest per annum, would you want to find out more about it??

Well, if you want to find out more, e-mail me at godivapaw@hotmail.com and I will gladly tell you all about it! I just found out about this when I was at home in Jamaica over Christmas, and, even if you still think I am crazy, write me and hear what I have to say. THEN, call the people in the little white coats with the little white bus to come take me away to the happy farm with rubber trees, chewy toys, straight jackets, cattle prods, and pink and purple polka-dotted padded rooms!

Moi

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 19:38:46 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Just in case you didn’t know it…

Here are 7 factoids that I have learned NEVER to do:

1. NEVER try to eat an entire hippopotamus in one sitting. They actually do not like that very much!

2. NEVER steal an egg from a chartreuse buzzard!

3. NEVER wear a pointed, ‘Maddona-style’ viking brass bra while sleeping in a water bed.

4. NEVER carry only one scrunchy or hair elastic, or you will only end up with one pigtail.

5. NEVER ever try to blow-dry a cat after giving it a bath!!!!! VERY Painful!!!!!!!!

6. NEVER walk, chew gum, and talk at the same time. You are liable to end up walking into a door post!

7. NEVER under ANY circumstances give me chocolate higher than 80% cocoa, for I WILL EAT IT!!!!

***WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!***

Posted by Paulie Wallie at 15:05:21 | Permalink | No Comments »