Paul’s “G”odiva Spot

This is a desperate cry for the calling of all sizes of whisks to make your way to Winnipeg for July 7! Cleopas has sent me a coded message in the makes which basically tell me (and I am paraphrasing here) that if there were indeed whisks his size, he just might ‘whisk’ himself up the altar. Also with whisks, you need batter and a bowl in which to whisk away. So, I propose that a self propelled bowl be set up and the best cake batter be thrown into the bowl (eg. flour, sugar, vanilla, eggs, cocoa, etc.) so that he can successfully ‘whisk’ and ‘thisk’ his way (in the bowl) up the altar!

There are three kinds of whisks which I think would be appropriate:

1. Large egg whisks. These would be the large versions of what you would find in your typical kitchen, used to beat eggs who have been sentenced to be breakfast (Yes! I actually have given thought to this, so call me crazy already why don’t ya!). So we can fit two very large ones unto Cleopas’ feet and, with his zwiddling action, can do up to 500rpm!

2. Large mixing blade whisks. These are usually found attached to any hand mixer. They also can be fitted to spin and I think will be even more effective at whisking, even though it would be rather messy to those nearby in the isle seats having to deal with batter flying out of the bowl and splattering everywhere.

3. A large kitchenAid/Hobart “K” blade! This is my least favourite because it gets the job done too quickly, and is not as attractive. Besides, seeing that we have to have two legs to attach them to, and there is only one such blade per machine, it defeats the purposes for this wedding, I think…but may do in a pinch! Desperate measures, remember?

So, now that the call has gone out, all whisks, CONVERGE UPON WINNIPEG and CHASE, BACK INTO A CORNER, CATCH AND ATTACH YOURSELVES TO CLEOPAS’ FEET!!!!!!!!!  I do not gather that he will be very co-operative about this, but we cannot let that stand in our way, now can we?!

Moi

P.S. Cleopas, please do not thank me for this. That is what friends (like Moi) are for! To make your life a living…example of what it is to be interesting!

BUNDT! I can hardly wait!!! Helga is threatening to feed me with bundt cake!!!! I can see it now! Helga, armed with her desperately large Hobart mixer, flings herself into the bowl and sets it on ‘FRAPPE’! You know, I have always thought of Helga as a kind of ‘kneady’ type person, and now I know why! Then, she is going to pour herself into her custom-made bed, which is a large BUNDT pan, and throw herself in the oven while sprinkling herself desperately with a cinnamon cream cheese frosting! When well done, she will rest overnight, and then wake up refreshed and fully baked, after which she will whip up a Bundt cake for consumption by MOI!

And of course, when I get there, I will have to give both Helga a Lulu one of my signature neck massages which always makes Helga always yell for her mother.

Now Helga, I have left a very BIG hint in yesterday’s blog (or was it the day before that?) of when I am coming. If you cannot find it, then I will just have to show up one morning and surprise you all!! Maybe I’ll come bursting in through the doors…or walking into them…you never know!  One way or the other, look for some kind of loud, thudding entrance!

Moi

Here are se7en factoids I learned about going to the dentist:

1. They have the power to turn the toughest of men into whining pools of grovel.

2. Even medical doctors are afraid of them!

3. They have a knack for carrying on supposedly intelligent conversations with the desperately mute (a.k.a. their victims squirming in the chair with their mouths hopelessly agape).

4. Armed with drill and suction hose, it is a wise idea to be on your dentist’s good side!

5. Children have them as number 1 on their top ten list of people they hate!

6. They become an instant best friend to anyone with a toothache!

7. There exists a harsher sentence than being sent to jail for breaking the law. It is being forced to wait your turn in the dentist office waiting room…when he/she is having a bad day!!!!

Moi

NB None of this, except for number 3, has been my experience. I have had cleanings, extractions, and even braces, but I have never (THANK GOD!) ever had a cavity! THAT is a blessing!

There is a rustling in the air…! Like leaves in the wind. There’s something a brewing, about to begin! In just a few weeks and with desperate approach, I will be arriving in Winnipeg, in coach! I zwiddle with glee as the time draws nearer, as desperately I fly on a wing and a prayer!! None more than I am so lucky a fellah, as the west wind shall blow me, with carpet bag, hat and umbrella! Yes I am coming BACH to Winnipeg for a brief, but desperately overdue visit, and yes my poetry has a high cheese factor, but I don’t care!!! For those who are still lost at sea with this, go rent Disney’s “Mary Poppins” tonight and you’ll get it!

Now I am sure you are all wondering when I am coming so as to make sure you have all fled for your little lives, but I think I shall surprise you all by just…showing up (March 12-19). In fact, I am even planning a small recital of sorts…, and I want as many of you as I can guilt into coming! I still do not know what I am going to sing for it, but I’ll scrape something good together. And Rossweisse will be accompanying! YEAY!!!!!  Oh!  And one more thing about this.  When coming to the recital, please, no rotten eggs!  They hurt!!  Rotten tomatoes and other such assorted facsimile rotten fruit are acceptable.

I have to say that for all the hardships I faced in my life in Winnipeg, I have to be honest to say that I have really, sorely missed it! The element I think I have missed the most is…YOU ALL! Helga, Lulu, the nymphs and shepherds, the Wagner Tuba, Casper, Percy, Desiree, NUNDRAHN (!), Cleopas, Jeanette, Rita, Melvin, and the list goes on and on!! You have all given to me in some way and have enriched my life. Mostly, you have given me the freedom to be my desperately gleeful self, without judging me, or ignoring me. Not that I would ever allow myself to be ignored!!! EEERRR IIIII! etc.

However, there is a downside to all of this. Now you all must promise me that you will not try to eat me while I am there with you. I know you still think I am edible, but I am still OFF the menu. So no throwing veggies and spices on my corpus! I moisturize for my own skin’s health, not for tenderizing myself for your cauldrons! So do we have a deal? I shall be checking my comment section regularly for comments/responses to this. Oh yes, I really will!

Moi

On February 14th, that HORRIBLE day when love runs uncontrollably wild like a girl with her pigtails on fire, I attended a party for single people, put on by one of my colleagues (Hooli) who decided to have the party in the first place as a form of protest against all the lovey-dovey couples mooling and drooling all over each other.  I must say that for the 45 minutes I was there, it was fun.  I only stayed a short time because people as young as I am (I’m only 3 and a half years old!) need to be in bed early, or else we turn into zucchinis.  On come on now!  EVERYONE knows that only fairy, ballerina-like princesses turn into pumpkins after midnight…I’m not crazy!!

Anywho, I arrived (along with Adman Maronara from Winnipeg who was visiting the school…you know who that is now) at Hooli’s around 7:30PM, and soon thereafter, others began filing in.  We decorated heart-shaped cookies (I made one with pigtails!) and made valentines for each other.  I got one from a precarious woman named Cattie Marr-Shaw who somehow seems to enjoy imagining me tied up in chains and gagged.  She took desperate pleasure in freaking me out with telling me that, and her valentine to me reflected that.  To show her that two can play at this game, I gave her a valentine of my own, which…let’s just say…stopped her dead in her tracks.  

The other highlight of the evening was everyone’s naughty obsession with trying to get me to swear!  They were insistent on me saying words like ‘t!t’ and ‘b**b’ and the ever popular ‘a$$’.  It seemed like it was ‘Let’s pick on Paul and get him to swear’ day!  Of course, I did not relent, much to their constipation.

I got home around 9:47PM and soon thereafter, I was in bed, dreaming of flying pies.  The day was not a total bout of indigestion though.  I did get a present from Rossweisse who sent me a bar of Lindt Dark Chocolate (85% cocoa!), which I have long since eaten and spun out.  Dark chocolate gives me a buzz!

I am sure that by now, Helga would have given Lulu her I.V. java drip, and the nymphs and shepherds now assuming they are safe from Lulu’s manifestations, would all be gathered around Helga’s Wagner Tuba, as she plays her desperately happy melodies, while they play and dance in a ring!  Casper would be just about ready to flit into the library, on point, flashing his deepdish dimples for all the girls to lose their milk over, and Cleopas would be googling feverishly, desperately trying to find the right size mixing bowl and whisks with which to ‘whisk’ his way up the isle, batter and all!

Moi 

Here are 7 factoids I recently learned about some soon-to-be brides!

1. They have superhuman strength, especially a fortnight before the wedding!

2. The one way to get her to literally breathe fire is to order lavender irises when she wanted pink.

3. Trying to give a bride-to-be pigtails is liable to land you comatose in a hospital!

4. They can go from laughing to crying, all within the space of a split second.

5. The groom-to-be becomes sole comforter…and toothless punching bag!

6. They are totally oblivious to other people’s feelings, impervious to criticism, and dangerous to contend with.

7. To ensure the groom’s arrival for the wedding if he is showing any signs of doubt, some brides resort to the “With this ring, I thee wed, or with this pistol I THEE DEAD!!!” tactic with favourable results.

NB I do know of one bride-to-be, however, who is the zenith of desperate kindness and who does not fit into this mold at all…and I will (hopefully) be at her wedding in July…or she will get her brother to tie me up, throw me in the trunk of her car and drag me there kicking and screaming! But I am of course not calling any names here.

I just read something encouraging! I am in the process of reading about the life of Marian Anderson, and it is a most interesting and stimulating read for me!

In the book, which is about her entire life, she mentions a critical connection with a man by the name of Louis Drysdale. He was one of the most influential voice teachers of his time, and had great successes with singers of the likes of Maria Malibran, and Pauline Viadrot. She talks about the excitement with which she met and worked with him, and the tremendous benefit he was to her.

For me, however, the mot encouraging part of all of this was that Louis Drysdale was born in Kingston, Jamaica, the same city and country where I am from! Of course, that made my eyes light up like LED bulbs! It is encouraging to me because of all the Caribbean countries, Jamaica has always been a leader, and has always had a strong connection to the foremost parts of the world through its citizens. In Afro-America, the name Marcus Garvey is known and praised. He was an educated man who fought for civil rights for everyone of African origin. He was also Jamaican.

Robert Nesta Marley, O.J. (a.k.a. Bob Marley) is known as the father of Reggae music. He lived in Trench Town, which is just south of where I used to go to school. His music was spawned from the immense poverty in which he lived, and because of its depth, his music was given a voice. Marley, a devout Rastafarian, died in 1981 from cancer. At the time of his death, he had already won the acclaim of the entire world, and thus, Reggae music has put Jamaica on the map for which, every year, thousands of people flock to Jamaica for Reggae Sunsplash, a celebration of Reggae music, which takes place every year. So whenever you hear the word, ‘Reggae’ you can go ahead and think of Jamaica as well because that is where it is from.

In the country of Haiti, approximately 50% of its population practice vodou (or voodoo). It took a Jamaican missionary to go over there and begin the spreading of the Gospel of Christ to its shores! Because of his commission and belief in God, he went over in a boat, and brought the message of Christ to a hungry nation. Roman Catholicism is the official religion in Haiti, but voodoo might as well be considered the national religion, and although it is still very prevalent in Haiti, the movement of the Gospel of Christ is also very much at work, and people are coming to know God’s saving grace through Christ because of it. AMEN!

During the days of slavery in Jamaica, and even after its abolition, African slaves were constantly being abused, killed, raped, etc. It took the courage of one woman, a Maroon (which is a tribe still in existence in Jamaica) by the name of Nanny to lead and army of slaves to chase the British out of their land. She is revered as one of Jamaica’s national heroes.

Sir Willard White is a Jamaican bass-baritone who has sung all over the world, including at the Met. I have been following his career for a long time and I know that I have a similar trail to blaze. He was recently knighted by the Queen of England, and is an encouragement to me that I too can also make it, if I keep persevering on this road.

I am proud of the heritage from which I hail. I am proud to say that I a son of the Jamaican soil! With that, and most importantly, with God’s help, like Marian Anderson, Willard White and others before me, I too will make it…to the Met!

Moi

It is getting to that NAUSEATING time of year again!  Already, I am seeing people haplessly milling about in some sort of cloud.  You would think that they are either just stressed out and need sleep or on something happy, but NO!  There are gleeful gaggles of girls flittering about, constantly twittering, all at once, ad nauseam to anyone who makes the mistake of sitting still long enough, about what they are hoping their respective men will ’surprise’ them with on that fateful day.  Everywhere I go now, I see red hearts, kinky red lingerie, hiddeous looking expensive shoes and bed sandals, naughty dice, and of course, CHOCOLATES all plastered in the glass displays in the stores everywhere.  And all because of that annoyingly cute, fat, diaper-clad, feather-shedding, red-faced,    BAD PERMA-NAMANAMA-NENT… *^%$#*!@ CUPID!!!!  (*Well…personally, I do not mind the chocolates part because after it is all over, at least there is a sale on to get rid of it!*)

It is also the time of year when the makers of houses for dogs get to run screaming to the bank!  As is the case every single year, some guys just do not seem to have a clue as to how this day really works.  And year after year, they flunk out, and end up with dunce caps in their heads and have to develop a sudden appetite for some grilled ‘crow’ with a generous helping of that special ’suck-up’ sauce!

So guys, I am throwing you a lifeline here.  Here are some things that I believe can help in your quest for keeping from having to move in with Fido:

1. Always listen to your spouse or girlfriend.  Even when you think she is not saying anything important at any given moment, it is still important to listen.  The main reason for this is that she is more likely, in the midst of all the babble to hint at what she likes.   It will sound something like this (and this is a most ridiculous example): “*Giggle* Blah blah blah blah Josh Groban blah (*breath*) blah blah CD blah blah blah blah, godiva blah love blah blah (*breath*) blah blah love you!”  From that, all the key words are there, so act on them!  Hey!  It is worth a try!

2. Use your PDA for something more than just games!  Actually put in reminders of the specific dates in the life of your spouse or girlfriend.  With that, you are able to shop early and beat the rush, maybe even get a discount and save some money if you shop early.  That way you do not have the other extreme of overhearing a conversation about Valentine’s Day, looking at your calendar, swearing out loudly with some choice word that I refuse to say, and crashing into everything imaginable as you break your neck to catch the stores before they close, or run out of stock!

3. Never get the same thing you got her last year!!  Now listen.  For what I know about women, they have a very long memory!  We have been through this already.  They will know if you got them the same thing.  So it is a good idea to keep track of the gifts you buy, either mentally, or keep them in a little book under your pillow.

I am only telling you this for your own good you know.  And also, because I am so tired of being the beating board that everyone takes their frustrations out on.  I must have a sign chiselled into my forehead saying “wiffleball bat…beat me!” or something of the sort!  Hmph!  See what a little diaper-clad menace with wings can do?  If I could just get my hands on that little ‘meatloaf’ I’d fling him around the same way!!

(a very nauseated) Moi! 

In every programme, not excluding the one I am a part of, having someone to schedule events, rep calls, classes and rehearsals is desperately obligatory! So it goes without saying that we have such a fuzzy haired creature in our programme. His name? Gordy MykSnarky!!!!

Here is a typical day in the daily life of the Gord! He sleeps until approximately 8:02AM, after which, he is let out of his cage, and scrubbed and fed! Then, he flits, as if on point and in a tu-tu to school and manages to get in my 9:00AM. When he gets here, he plants his non-existent behind into his chair, and begins his very talented and effective method of pushing all of us around. He likes to think of himself as a slave driver, or a leather daddy who says, “JUMP!” and we, the sniveling, squealing little singers exclaim, “HOW HIGH…(*cattle prod*) MASTER!!!!” Then, he proceeds to zwiddle about desperately all day, hither and thither, like a hummingbird does from flower to flower, wreaking havoc as he whisks and thisks by.

He has a very interesting mind, in which everything he says (he thinks) is correct, and the world must revolve around him always. It is a wonder that he is not an opera singer! Whenever I deign to darken his door, in a manner so as to make peace, or appease him, he is always emitting some kind of ’snarky’ remark (hence the name) in order to get a reaction out of me, which almost always works, much to my indigestion and his desperate glee.

One of his favourite pastimes is snowboarding. Whenever he is taken off of his tether, he is let loose to molest some defenseless, unsuspecting hillside to pillage and plunder its snow. Up and down, down and up, he goes, tongue plastered to the outside of his cheek in desperate giddiness, like a 7 year old schoolgirl in pigtails who has had too much cotton candy at the circus and is let loose to twirl herself out of whirl. This is where he turns into a reasonable fax machine of the Tasmanian devil.

If Gordy were a fruit, he’d be a watermelon. Seeds and all! If he were a vegetable, he’d be a butternut squash. Nutty as all get out!! If he were a colour, he’d be a loud tangerine-orange. If he were an object, he’d be a whoopie cushion! If he were an animal, a badger, and if he were a kitchen appliance, a citrus reamer!

But we all love him and our days would not quite be the same without having a friendly and efficient citrus reamer around to turn our lemons into lemonade!

Moi

Over the last few months, God has been teaching me some very interesting lessons on patience, and taking me through some of life’s SCHTUFF!!! There is a saying that goes, “Good things come to those who wait.” As much as I hate hearing that statement, it is actually based of a Biblical principle. Patience is something that we are called to embrace, even though to me, it feels more like I am being slowly simmered in my own pork stew, or burnished upon an open flame! But enough about that lest some of you start thinking of me as dinner again! *STOP DROOLING!*

It is easy for me to look ahead, and see that there are so many things about my life in Toronto that do not make sense, or that will only end up in my having to live in a constant mode of frustration and depression. But seeing as this is Black History Month (and for those of you who still do not know it, I am black! *CONFETTI!!*) I am reminded of what all of these great people, both past and present had to go through to blaze the trail that they were known for. In a time when being black was seen as a sin, and we were treated like animals, these wonderful, strong, resilient people kept ‘getting back up after being knocked down’ time after time. What if people like Marion Anderson, Leontyne Price and George Shirley never did get back up? What if they did not have an iron will, and dare to stand up and try again? Well then, many more of these barriers would still be there. I mean, there are still barriers, and there will be as long as the world persists, but at least they were the ones who broke the back of it, to allow people like me in through some doors! The thing that blesses me the most is that most of these people believed in God and His ability to see them through. People like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. have been an inspiration to me, as he was a true martyr, dying for what was right! So with that, I too dare to trust God for the strength to endure one more day, one more failed audition, one more, ‘no, sorry…we cannot use you’ and the like.

You may ask how I get through it all, as even with trust in God, it does not make things get any easier. You are right. It doesn’t. That is why God made geraniums! You can always stick one in your hat and look at yourself in the mirror and have a good laugh!!! Try it! I have!! I promise you that you will not be able to keep a straight face or take yourself seriously at that moment!!! And besides, seeing that laughter is a good medicine, I believe in taking hefty doses of it everyday, IN ANY WHICH WAY I CAN GET IT!!!!

Moi