Cupid’s a comin’… *GAG me with a spoon please!*
It is getting to that NAUSEATING time of year again! Already, I am seeing people haplessly milling about in some sort of cloud. You would think that they are either just stressed out and need sleep or on something happy, but NO! There are gleeful gaggles of girls flittering about, constantly twittering, all at once, ad nauseam to anyone who makes the mistake of sitting still long enough, about what they are hoping their respective men will ’surprise’ them with on that fateful day. Everywhere I go now, I see red hearts, kinky red lingerie, hiddeous looking expensive shoes and bed sandals, naughty dice, and of course, CHOCOLATES all plastered in the glass displays in the stores everywhere. And all because of that annoyingly cute, fat, diaper-clad, feather-shedding, red-faced, BAD PERMA-NAMANAMA-NENT… *^%$#*!@ CUPID!!!! (*Well…personally, I do not mind the chocolates part because after it is all over, at least there is a sale on to get rid of it!*)
It is also the time of year when the makers of houses for dogs get to run screaming to the bank! As is the case every single year, some guys just do not seem to have a clue as to how this day really works. And year after year, they flunk out, and end up with dunce caps in their heads and have to develop a sudden appetite for some grilled ‘crow’ with a generous helping of that special ’suck-up’ sauce!
So guys, I am throwing you a lifeline here. Here are some things that I believe can help in your quest for keeping from having to move in with Fido:
1. Always listen to your spouse or girlfriend. Even when you think she is not saying anything important at any given moment, it is still important to listen. The main reason for this is that she is more likely, in the midst of all the babble to hint at what she likes. It will sound something like this (and this is a most ridiculous example): “*Giggle* Blah blah blah blah Josh Groban blah (*breath*) blah blah CD blah blah blah blah, godiva blah love blah blah (*breath*) blah blah love you!” From that, all the key words are there, so act on them! Hey! It is worth a try!
2. Use your PDA for something more than just games! Actually put in reminders of the specific dates in the life of your spouse or girlfriend. With that, you are able to shop early and beat the rush, maybe even get a discount and save some money if you shop early. That way you do not have the other extreme of overhearing a conversation about Valentine’s Day, looking at your calendar, swearing out loudly with some choice word that I refuse to say, and crashing into everything imaginable as you break your neck to catch the stores before they close, or run out of stock!
3. Never get the same thing you got her last year!! Now listen. For what I know about women, they have a very long memory! We have been through this already. They will know if you got them the same thing. So it is a good idea to keep track of the gifts you buy, either mentally, or keep them in a little book under your pillow.
I am only telling you this for your own good you know. And also, because I am so tired of being the beating board that everyone takes their frustrations out on. I must have a sign chiselled into my forehead saying “wiffleball bat…beat me!” or something of the sort! Hmph! See what a little diaper-clad menace with wings can do? If I could just get my hands on that little ‘meatloaf’ I’d fling him around the same way!!
(a very nauseated) Moi!
