Paul’s “G”odiva Spot

So, last night, I was in the middle of cheesing when it hit me like a tonne of bricks! I am desperately overprepared for Opera School, diction-wise! Since I got here, I have not needed much in terms of help with diction…I am actually able to help others with diction issues! And I owe it all to Dr. Lorna Lions (U of M Diction Professor/Desperately FAB Collaborative Pianist). I just have to take some time just to say, THANK YOU DR. LIONS for your meticulous skill with which you taught me how to dict!

When you get to the stage when you begin to dream in IPA, and you wake up having the urge to look up a word in the dictionary, that is as a result of desperate diction teaching. Thanks Dr. L!

When you hear diction being butchered by your colleagues in the hallways and you go up to them bravely, and state that the diction is being thoroughly flogged by their tongues, and you lead them like horses to water, to Grubb to show them the way, and if they refuse, threaten to give them pigtails so that they will have no other choice but to co-operate (that I was not taught to do by Dr. L.) that is as a result of desperate diction teaching. Thanks Dr. L!

When you never thought it could be possible for you to sit in the library for hours on end, pouring over Odom, and then having an friendly argument with another diction coach who believes in the desperate power of the Bantam Italian dictionary, only to prove that the vowel sound of ‘e’ is closed with it comes before a double consonant…AND WIN, that is as a result of desperate diction teaching. Thanks Dr. L!

So those of you who are still at the U of M, or who want to go study there, or are even looking for a place to study music (voice or collaborative piano), GO TO DR. LIONS! She will turn you into a singing fool with FAB diction…even if you think you sound like a powertool!

Moi

Do you know that I sat here, writing out for you my entire synopsis for the opera I am going to be singing this summer, giving you my take on it, and when I came to post, blog.com says I am logged out!!!  So I LOST THE WHOLE THING!!!!

I am not happy right now!

Moi

Here are seven factoids I learned about my colleagues this past weekend:

1. They (we) are all a bunch of hams, trying to ‘out-bacon’ each other!

2. All the girls (save one) hate pigtails with a passion and only wear them under the duress of the character they have to play…

3. When coming up to the end of spring term, even the teachers lose their sanity; it drips out the left ear!

4. The one that loves pigtails even promised to do the ‘Princess Leah: Danishes-slapped-to-the-temples’ hairstyle…and put a picture of it on FACEBOOK!

5. They ALL seem to have this crazy obsession with trying to get me drunk for some reason…

6. They all seem to go nuts with buggy whips and coconut bras!

7. Though they will not readily admit this, they are all as desperately in need of attention as I am!

By asking for help, I am NOT asking for therapy! Heaven only knows how much of that I need! But I am writing because I sense a growing rift in the communicative powers of all those we know and are connected to. You have heard me say it before, and yes, if it sounds like I am flogging a dead horse, then so be it, but this rift in lack of communication is getting bigger and bigger, and I want it to be repaired…but I cannot do this without your help!

Think about it with me. How long does it really take during the course of a day to sit by a computer (which you are at already reading this!), check your e-mail, and send a note to someone…not long essays and theses as I tend to do half the time…but just a sentence or three just to say “hi”? Is it really that much of an inconvenience? I have always heard people say that the reason they do not e-mail that much is that they do not have anything to say. Well, you all know how I feel about that…HOGWASH! I say that because one does not have to have anything really in mind to say, to just say the words, “Hi…how are you doing?”

You know, I once heard a wise woman say, “…you never know what you trully have, until you have lost it, and can never get it back.” My question is…why do we usually allow communication to die with our friends and family, and yet, we are always on time to pay our cable/internet bills? I mean, does this look right to you? It is just as Foghorn Leghorn says in the commercial for KFC when he puts a rooster’s comb on a raging bull talking about how burger places say they know chicken…but all they know is…COW!  It just does not look right!!  I think this is a perfect example of a ludicrous parallel, but my point is, our priorities seem to be out of whack, don’t you think?

Nowadays, when I confront any of my friends about not staying in touch (and you know who you all are!!!), their usual excuse is that they are so busy. Whereas I can understand that, as I am too, I can no longer take that as an excuse, even from myself, because when we really want to do things, we make time for them. We are all guilty of that. So, please take time to repairs rifts in communication. Do not assume that it will pan out or take care of itself, because it won’t!

Moi

Hello to all my desperate /readers/fans out there who are wondering where I have gone to. Well, if for some reason you do not see me for a long period of time, you can go ahead and assume either one of two things that have happened to MOI: Either I am on facebook.com which I have to admit I need therapy to get off of it, OR, I am in shrinkwrap cellophane in the cooler of some supermarket shelf or another…in the PORK and SAUSAGE section!

The main reason why I have been away, other than facebook.com, is that we have our final show of the year happening this weekend, in which I will be singing a song from “Floyd Collins” by Adam Guettel. In this song, I, Floyd, am trapped in a mine under a rock, and everyone has come to try to get me out. There is so much publicity about my being down there, that eventually, the publicity gets out of hand, and they forget that I am down there, and I eventually die. But before I expire, as in the case of opera or broadway, I have to sing a song/aria about it! Then, I expire!

There is also some friendly competition going on between the guys and the gals! The gals are doing an excerpt from “Chicago” called ‘He had it comin’!’ and we are doing one from “South Pacific” called ‘There is nothing like a Dame!’ We are currently trying to outdo each other, and we are winning! HAAH!

And then there’s “Candide”…AGAIN! I must be going to do more of this operetta later in my life because I just cannot seem to get away from it! But the upshot is that some of the girls are going to wear PIGTAILS!!! And I get to pull on one of them!!! YEAY!!!!!!! Not that I have any kind of fetish or anything…for that’s just silly!

Oh! And it is all happening this weekend (Saturday at 7:30PM in Walter Hall and Sunday, same place, at 2:30PM), so come out and see us do kickspilts, spreadeagles, chairdancing, shimmy shakes, sparkle fingers, lots of whistling and cat-calling, and just being generally…funny…and a little NAUGHTY!

Moi

P.S. I of course still have my halo on!

This week must be audition week around here. It is like they wait precociously for the day after the last day of classes, when everyone is running around cramming for finals and looking for a panic button to push, to spring auditions and other stuff on us. Like we do not have enough to do around here! Today for instance is the BACH Auditions for the next term. I am going to be auditioning for that, just to see what happens, and to see if they can or want to use my voice.

Next are auditions for the Alderburgh Connexion. These are run by our opera director and his friend/partner. So it is going to be terribly obvious that I will be getting home late each night this week, for one reason or another. Now is when one can either implode into a puddle of pudding on the floor because of the overload of stress, or just put one ham hock in front of the other, and just keep going.

Speaking of ham hocks, I have become desperately mortified over the fact that I may have to cancel my trip back to Winnipeg this summer! I am thinking about not coming because several of you (I am not calling any names of course) have expressed desperate desires to EAT MOI!!! Casper confessed to me yesterday (or was it the day before) that the main reason he is inviting me to come and visit him on the farm is that he is planning a slow roast…on a rotisserie…with MOI as the roast! Melvin has hinted something to that effect in his own sinister way, and Patrick is out to lunch with the idea of using MOI as the main course for the retreat! Plus, Rita has been practicing various kinds of knots with ropes and string used in meat packaging, and when I have mentioned my distress to Penelope, she has not responded…so SILENCE MEANS CONSENT! Also, Cleopas and Jeanette do not seem to share in my distress, but that could be because they have other fish to fry right now…each other!  So, I want SIGNED AFFIDAVITS from ALL of you before setting ham hock (as opposed to setting foot) into Winnipeg, stating CLEARLY that I will not, in ANY way be pickled and plopped on top of a firepit, grill, barbeque, or popped into an oven, or tied to a stake. or sizzled over a rotisserie, or ANY other reasonable Sony VaioFax thereof…OK?

AND NO FINGERCROSSING BEHIND YOUR BACK WHEN YOU SIGN, WHICH CANCELS OUT THE PROMISE EITHER!!  See? I am using the old pumpkin noodle-bowl here!

Moi

One of my dear friends asked me if I owned a soap box upon which I stand.  Well, I figured that if I did, I would have to be a big, strong wooden crate with the Zest(fully clean) logo splattered across it!  I am not one to toot my own tuba, or whistle my own tune, but when it comes to things I believe in, I will speak them out loud and clear.  Of course such a box has to be big and sturdy enough to support all of this pork (my ham hocks and all!)

Last night, as I was zwiddling desperately to my bed, I actually did have a conversation with the bottle of bath gel named Dial!  Dial and I get along very well!  We have conversations everyday, in the shower of all places.  It seems to be the only place Dial seems to want to meet, and seeing that there is a lot of water and hot steam involved, it is probably the best place.  I always feel better after such conversations, and everyone else around me seems to breathe a sigh of relief ( heavens knows why!) every time.

So if you happen to have a soap box, or a bottle of bath gel looking depressed, climb on top of it and have a splendid time!

Moi

P.S. For those of you trying desperately to figure this blog out, save yourself the headache…just LAUGH! 

Now I know that you think I am going to quote a scripture from the Gospel of Luke where Jesus was speaking of the Beatitudes and telling those who were listening how to live. Well, that is EXACTLY what I am going to tell you! But, I am going to tell you from another perspective. I am currently reading a book which I want to encourage all my readers to get and read. It is called “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and it is of the New York Times best sellers!

Why am I so passionate about this book? Well, it gives one man’s perspective on the whole concept of wealth building. He shares with us (the readers) that growing up, he had two fathers: A highly educated (but poor) father, who was his biological father, and the father of his best friend, who was a businessman (and very wealthy). He talks about the conflict he faced when listening to both of them and trying to figure out who to listen to more, the lessons he learned from both, and the mistakes his poor father blindly made over and over again. I am not going to say much more because I want you to get the book for yourselves and read it.  Now I do not agree with everything he writes about in the book, but there are some interestings to gather from it.

One of those things I will say though was that in the midst of all the advice given out by this man, he said one thing which stuck a deep chord with me! He says that one sure way he is able to receive money is when he gives it first! I do not know if he is a believer, but there is a law that governs both the Christian and the non-Christian alike, and that is…what you sow, you reap. And what is more, he said that whenever he is in need financially, the first thing he does is give money to a charity or a church, and he always sees returns coming to him in droves!

I can also say that I have had that experience many a time. I too have been at moments when I was down to my last dollar, and every time I’d steal myself and give it away, it multiplied and came back to me. ALWAYS! The Bible says in Lukc 6:38, “Give and you will receive. A large quantity, pressed together, shaken down, and running over will be put into your pocket. The standards you use for others will be applied to you.” (GWT) So, seeing that the Bible says it so aptly, one can see that even if one is not a believer, this law is for everyone. Try it! I promise you it works!!

Well…don’t just sit there gawking at the computer screen, or imaginging me sizzling on your summer barbeque grills…START GIVING!!!   Your money, your knowledge, your time, your love…your attention!  Whatever you have to give, give it already!!! And while you are at it, stop whimpering and get the book.

Moi

CHRIST IS RISEN INDEED!!!!!!  Yes He is!  He went into hell, took death by the neck, squeezed really hard, turned it upside down, shook it until it puked, killed it, rung its neck off, rolled it up into a ball, and tossed it behind Him!  Then he swept it up and threw it in the garbage bin, because He could just hear his mother groan at the lack of cleaning up between death killings! 

So this is how my day went.  I sprang out of bed, and in a single leap, bounded into the shower, scaring it senseless!  Then, after moisturizing, I dragged clothes unto my corpus (and I did not forget to wear clothes today!) and zwiddled desperately to the bus stop.  Now I have not had chocolate in a while, but for some reason, I was so desperately beside myself that I was literally bouncing on the spot.  I got on the bus and got to church too early, and then is when, for a few minutes, I temporarily lost my milk and took a quick nap on the couch downstairs…  Anyway, it was a wonderful service, complete with the organ Widor Toccata in F.  TWICE!!!  Oh the glee!!!

Then I came home and make myself a steak and brown rice dinner!  Steak, seasoned the way I like it, with wild brown rice, cooked in beef broth!!!  DEE LISHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Well, that is it for now.  This day means a lot to me as a Christian because Christ…WON!!!

Moi

OK! I am on a desperate quest. No I am not about to give up chocolate, so get a grip all of you!!! It has fallen to me to head up this year’s planning of our Faculty of Music Christian Fellowship’s annual retreat. This year will be different because our beloved Cleopas and Jeanette will not be with us…for reasons that will becoming DESPERATELY OBVIOUS in the very near future!

Unfortunately, there is no factoid Tuesday this week. I am now a hopeless and desperate Facebook junkie, so blame it for my lack of attention to blogging! Who was the brilliant slob who got me hooked unto this? It is really addicting! In fact, I know of two people in particular who have given up Facebook for Lent!!! GACK!!!!!

On other news, not so happy news, I did not get any of the two parts I had auditioned for: Banff and Toronto. So now, I am trying to figure out what the last half of my summer will look like. So I guess that is that.

Now here is the eternal question: If cows MOOOved BACH…to SteinBACH, what would happen? Well I’ll tell you: DISASTER! Pigs would then run freely and try to take over the whole city by refusing to be turned into pork! Lambs would get wise to the fact that their owners keep leading their friends around corners, thinking they are going on an outing in the field, and never quite seem to come back…at least in one piece. Farmers would have a tremendous amount of live beef on the hoof, and not enough hands to keep the lactating cows relieved of their milk, and they would all be planning desperate revenge in the form of figuring out recipes for human tenderloin, served in a creamy hollandaise sauce. But the biggest tragedy is that we would be able to have our retreat, because the cows and pigs and rabbits would root up all the lawns and victory gardens in the area. The moment we pitch tents, we would wake up the next morning to find that our clothes, tents, even the tent stakes were all eaten by a bunch of rabid goats!

So if you ever see one too many cows happy and freely roaming about…in SteinBACH, get BACH to basics and call the butchers!!! Maybe, as part of the menu, we will have lots of steak! All will be ready when we all go BACH…to SteinBACH!

Moi

P.S. If pigs said “moo”, then I will paint myself pink and slap myself senseless…while wearing a pigtailed wig!  Then, I would check myself into a Psychiatric facility for desperate evaluation and have them throw me into a rubber room in a purple straight jacket!!