Paul’s “G”odiva Spot

Now I know what you are asking: Why the heck do I want a dromedary?? Well here are soem valid (at least to me they are) reasons:

I was once told by a soprano friend of mine, Sally Ingforth, that passion in a dromedary doesn’t go so deep. I beg to differ. I have since discovered that dromedaries are very emotional creatures that have very divaesque tendencies. For example, it has a way of just standing there, with a look of eternal indigestion on its face when around humans. It has the uncanny ability to “cut the cheese” and make it look like its owner did it. Unfortunately, some dromedaries have killed their owners because they were standing on the wrong end when that happened. They’d just turn green and die from poisonous gas exposure.

I had mentioned that they are very emotional creatures. If an owners hurts its feelings, dromedaries don’t just sit their chewing and spitting like their cousins, the camels do. They actually fling themselves on the ground and cry, beating their two-toed hooves into the ground in desperate protest at the injustice they have just experienced.

Oh yes. NEVER make faces at a dromedary!!! For they are vengeful creatures who will, as soon as you turn around, makes faces right back at you. Everyone else will see their antics, like dissappearing in a puff of smoke and returning in a pink tu-tu, (this all happens in a split second) while flitting around on point, use their hooves to spread their mouthes open really wide and stick their tongues out at you, and as soon as you turn around, they poof back into their usual bored/constipated look.

Dromedaries, unlike hippos, do not go around knocking things over with their bulk. Most of their body fat in stored in their one hump on their backs, (camels have two humps!) and they feed once every few weeks. They can walk for long distances and do not have too much opposition to humans sitting on their backs. All George is good for is swimming!

So, if Santa reads this blog, now you know what I want for Christmas this year. I do not want a watergun, or a pogo stick. I do not want ao beanie or a pet boa constrictor on a leash. I want a dromedary…and I want one in yellow!

I derived desperate pleasure out of seeing the looks of consternation/constipation/shock/disbelief/glee…and spontaneous pigtails by some, as I whisked (and thisked) my way through the music building. And to make sure I was not outdone by anyone, I made sure to be fitted with whisks MY SIZE!  Cleopas…?

So, what did I do all week?  Well, I burst into Eva Clare Hall (bosoms first of course) and made a surprise visit to three friends who were about to give a major concert.  I have since heard about said concert that it went very well!  Oh the looks on their faces when they saw me:  PRICELESS!!!  Then, I thisked my way over to the library where I learned a scary thing.  Lulu is OFF COFFEE!!!!!  I still cannot believe it, because I know that without that java fix, she turns into the WARE-LULU, who eats nymphs and shepherds (with their bad $2.99 perma-nama-nama-nama-nenents!) and chunks out of the library walls!  I wonder how she is doing.  My guess is either some really good therapy, or they have come out with a new java patch of some sort.

And then, there was Mr. MacSprechenzuviel!  It was so good to see him again!  It is amazing to me that the more things change, the more they remain the same.  And he has not changed one bit.  Still the loveable, elloquent, shrewd teacher I have always known him to be.  He was gracious enough to give me a couple of lessons, and he even MADE me teach a couple of them.

From there, I zwiddled desperately to the University Centre where I accosted the salon and raided them of their shampoo!!!!  Boy’s gotta look good you know…and then I took the boys out for lunch.  They all accused me of only coming to Winnipeg to buy shampoo.  Casper, my ever faithful friend, told me I was not allowed to whine to get the shampoo.  I did anyway.  It actually brought the shampoo order faster, and I got a free one out of it too.  So you see, whining does come in handy!

And then I ran into Miss Twigglesworth!!!  It was so good to see her again!  Yes, I am in my right mind!  She looked great and I get the feeling that seeing that I am an alumus of the programme, there is a level of respect I get from her, which I did not get before when I was studying there.

Later on in the week, I went bowling with my friends.  Cleopas, Jeanette, Patrick, Mervin, Dieter, Anita, Kia, Rita, and her new piece of meat, Guenther!  He is quite the character, but the thing about him is that there is a genuine-ness I sence from him, so I think he is a good guy (he’d better be, or else I’ll have to hurt him!).

But alas, my time ran oh so short, and it was time for me to flit gracefully BACH to TO.  So now that I am BACH, my nose is right where it needs to be right now…at a grinding stone!

1. It is the coldest time of the year, and my most favourite,

2. People are a lot grumpier this month than in any other month, and this is characterized by the looks of murder people seem to give me when I am rejoicing loudly at how cold it is and how much I like it!

3. A time when people rarely wear pigtails (but what would I know about that?).

4. Snowdays are most likely to happen in this month, and they are lots of guilt-free fun!

5. Falling snowflakes are edible; the snow already on the ground isn’t!

6. There are three types of gloom people seem to experience: contagious (i.e. they catch it from others), constipated (i.e. too frustrated to let it out), and blatant sobbing (i.e. standing in one spot with your feet turned in, and crying out loud, yelling for mommy and for the snow to stop falling).

There is a certain place which will be getting a visit from…a certain person, though he is very much tight-lipped as to when (I know you all know where!). Why is this person doing this? Well, all I know is, it is being called a surprise attack. How do I know all of this? Because I am an expert sleuth, who can smell BUNDT CAKE from far away! And speaking of Bundt cakes, I just found out what kind of fabric softener I like to use! Yes. I am now into dryer sheets!!!

Last Friday, I had my first experience (ever) with a phenomenon you all call SNOW DAY! I had never in my life experienced this, and I must say, it is rather exciting! I came bursting desperately into school at 6:32AM, just as the snow was gently falling, only to hear a few hours later that the school was closing down on account of the great snow storm which swept accross Toronto and its facsimile surrounding areas. Now here is where I wish I had taken my friend Petunia’s advice and bought a snorkel!!!! I was desperately, and gleefully mark you, zwiddling through the snow, snow dust kicking up in my wake, only to encounter huge snow banks, which required some chiselling to get through them. And I also finally figured out where yellow snow comes from! Yes! I finally caught the golden syrup fairy in action, pouring globs of golden syrup into piles of snow, and then, flit away!!! I saw all of this of course after I was nearly hit on the head by a falling icycle!

There is one person so far that knows of the impending attack, other than me of course, and SHE is not talking! TEN THOUSAND WHITE HORSES COULD NOT DRAG IT FROM HER!!! And it is NOT Jeanette!!!  So do not try to figure it out. And, I am not telling either, so do not ask. I know that Jeanette will be starting her prying techniques soon, and I am lookign forward to it!  Let’s put it this way:  Seeing that you all are there, and I am here, you cannot hold me down and threaten me with good chocolate. And speaking of chocolate, I have to go now as I have a lesson with the great Carol Vaness today! So now, I have to go find a book on how to be a grown-up…for DUMMIES!

One day, their paths crossed. The ran into each other…literally! They were both coming round the same corner of the library where they both took out books and ran smack into each other, knocking each other out cold! Once the paramedics arrived, they were revived and checked out that they were OK. There is where they first saw each other, and it was love at first sight.

Within a fortnight and a day of their collision, they eloped, amidst the desperate dissapproval of both their parents. Beauregard built their dream house out of spare bits of lumber he got from the nearby lumberjack, and Beullah began working on a huge quilt for their marital bed. They got married at Bubba’s Haven of Desperate Bliss…and Tyre Shoppe…by a man named Thelma! Now they were both desperately poor, surviving only on the wedding money they were given, and the sudden wedding cake which they managed to get free from the bakers. Beauregard carried his new bride over the threshold, and they proceeded to make desperate love to each other, all night…and all day long!

As the weeks passed, they would wake up with each other, and stare into each other’s eyes everyday, and every moment of the day. Months passed as this continued, and they still were so excruciatingly happy that all that existed in their worlds were each other, and only each other. Beauregard received notice in the mail that he was fired from his job because he refused to show up for work, and would not even call them to let them know what was going on. That did not phase him, for he thought to himself, “love conquers all.” Beaullah not too long after was fired from her milking job at the creamery for the exact same reason. But she could not care less about it, for she too was nauseatingly in love!

One year later, and they still would stare into each other’s eyes, day in and day out. They never ventured far from their house, and their parents, who used to come by to check on them, stopped coming because whenever they did, neither Beauregard nor Beullah would answer the door, due to the fact that they windows were constantly steamy, and they were constantly…otherwise occupied. They had learned to survive quite well. They used the mail (which consisted of final notices and past due bills) as starters for the fireplace to keep warm, and when the collecting agents would visit them to collect, they seem to…dissappear somehow. No one really knew what happened to them.

However one morning, as they were again staring into each other’s eyes, they were nibbling on a dry piece of toast, with the last of the preserves that they had. They only were able to eat toast because they were so desperately poor, but disgustingly happy. They did not care that they were starving and cold, for afterall, love conquers all! They looked at each other, and smiled, and then, something in both of them…snapped. All of a sudden, the reality of their intense hunger hit them at once, and their pupils dialated! Just when you think they were about to go and make more desperate whoopie in the half made quilt YET AGAIN, they began to look at each other: Beullah saw Beauregard as a huge sausage, and Beauregard saw Beullah as a ham hock! They chased each other round the house until they finally caught each other with dragnets, and began gnawing on each other. Half-way through, they stopped and discovered that they had eaten half of each other, and then looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, died and then held each other in embrace.

The end!

Yesterday, we had a talk with the gentleman who is the artistic director for the COC in this production for the opera “Tosca” (by Puccini) whis is going on now at the Four Seasons.  He said a lot of things.  Mainly, he pointed out the fact that the world of opera as we know it is changing to the point where many ‘out-of-the-box’ things are beign employed, like nudity, etc.  I could not help but think to myself: “I’d spare any director the horror of askign me to do a nude scene.  That would be a BIG mistake!  NO ONE wants to see that!  TRUST ME!”  And besides, I do not want to be parading my pork on stage, lest there be cannibals in the audience who would descend upon my desperate flesh!!

I sat there listening to people tell us that we need to get out there and live it up.  Go, smoke a cigarette, get lots of sex, give in the carnal pleasures…and the like.  The way they talked to us sounded like this is what gets you far in the business.  The sad part is that that is not too far from the truth.

But then, in all of this, I came to a firm resolve…again.  I dare NOT tread this path without God’s guidance!  Now I know that many of you reading this are not going to agree with me, but seeing that this is my blog, I can say it, and say it I shall without a drop of shame!  Seeing that God is the genesis of all things and seeing that He made music (and He did too) then He certainly can navigate my life through the twists and turns of this artform, and trust Him to take me to the top without having to compromise in any way.  Now I am perfectly aware that many of you do not subscribe to this, but I am not for a moment going to let that stand in my way. 

So, what I am really saying is that I endeavour to get to the top WITH my clothes ON!  Simply put.  So go ahead and laugh at me if you wish.  The one thing I can count on is this changing world is that God does NOT change. 

Oh yes, and I walked into yet anotehr closed door, when the other side of it was wide open last week, and the worst part of it is…a professor saw me do it!!!  Boy did I feel dumb!  So paint me pink and slap me senseless!

The next day, and trudged vindictively down to the nearest branch to get this sorted out, as I was asked to do on the phone after I gave that woman a good firm talking to. I spoke to a bank employee who called the security office for me, as per procedure. They told her that I needed to call them myself and sort this out. I told her that I called them the night before and they told me to come in to the branch. So then, the employee sat me down infront of a phone and called them. As I was speaking to the security office (again!), they told me that the EMPLOYEE had to be the one to speak to them! Do you see how monotonous this is, and why I had lost it in the first place??! It was like being in a cartoon, only without the falling anvils and firing cannons!

In the end, I got it settled and they removed the block…and then asked the employee to tell me to use my credit card at the ATM to make sure I was the right person…

You know, there are lots of good people in the world who are pushed to their limits by systems like this one, and when they snap, they become branded as suspiscious or questionable characters. That is why I cannot really blame the guy or gal who refuses to have ANYTHING to do with banking!  I found it most interesting that this happened just after I had paid off my credit card balance to the point of having a credit balance (as in, the bank owing me money)!  Maybe that is why they were mad…who knows!

But for now, things have gotten back to normal. Well, kind of. All I have to do right now is answer such pertinent questions as, “What will I do gin my hoggie die?” …and I have a simple two-word answer:

CURRY GOAT!

Moi

I was supposed to leave Jamaica on Sunday morning (January 6th) and get back to Canada on that same evening.  That is not quite what happened!  Here’s the gimmick!

I get up at 3:30AM.  I spring out of bed and zwiddle desperately to the bathroom to begin my titivating routine (a.k.a. shower, brushing teeth, etc.).  My taxi comes for me at 4:00AM.  I say goodbye to my family and head to the airport.  I board an American Airlines flight to Miami, and we leave on time.  I arrived in Miam ahead of schedule.  So far so good, right?  Well this is where my trip went SOUTH!
I waited at the immigration post for two hours.  They were having trouble (or so they say) with the finger printing device, and somehow, they said my fingerprints were not coming out right.  I do not know what that means!  So, I waited and waited until someone called me up and asked me all sorts of irrelevant questions, then I went to sit again.  After about 10 minutes, they called me up again, and gave me my documents back, and wished me a pleasant trip to my final destination!  At this point, I realized that I would not be making my connexion to Boston.  So, I went to the connexions desk to see if I could be put on another flight so that I would be able to get into Toronto that evening.

 The agent who was looking into it for me was furiously and desperately mashing his computer, while talking on the phone with the head office, trying to get me on another flight.  Apparently, this…thing with immigration was happening to many people, and so, many people were missing their connexions.  The guys noodled at his machine feverishly, trying to get me out of Miami.  No luck.  The best he could do was get me on a flight to Chicago with a connecting flight to Toronto…THE NEXT DAY!  So now, I had to get a hotel room, and spend the rest of the day in Miami, as I waited to get back. 

The next day, I checked out of the hotel, and went to the airport. I got there much earlier than I needed to,  but that made no difference at all!  I got in a line that stretched THREE CONCOURSES!!!  When I finally got to check in, fortunately, all I had to do was check my luggage, so it did not take long.  I went to the lounge and waited for the flight.  I got on board, and we pushed back from the ramp.  While taxiing to the runway, the captain announces that we will be delayed for an hour on the ground due to bad weather in Chicago.  When I heard that, I patted myself on the back for my forward thinking!  I hasd asked the agent at the gate to booke me on a later flight out of Chicago to ensure I’d catch it.  So I got to Chicago, I had plenty of time to catch the flight.  When I finally boarded the flight to Toronto, we were all strapped in and raring to go, when the captain announces that we are about to leave…they just needed to finish loading on bags and fuel.  Ten minutes later, they announce that the flight in cancelled!  So then, it was another hotel room for me!  I was booked on the first flight out the next day.

I got up at 3:00AM the next morning and got to the front of the line to check in for the flight to Toronto.  I checked in, and made it to the gate, having breakfast on the way.  Once boarded, we are taxiing out to the runway when I noticed that we have stopped.  The captain told us that two planes ahead of us, there was an aircraft whose engine caught on fire!  So the whole cavalry came out.  Fire engines, ambulances, etc.  Fortunately, it was not serious at all.  No one was hurt or injured and the plane was saved.  We finally took off after the runway was cleared. 

I FINALLY got into Toronto at noon that day! So what was supposed to have taken 8 hours, turned into three days!  Now you see what I mean when I say that drama follows me where e’er I flit?

Since being here, I have noticed that there are certain women who have caught the revelation of Princess Leah!  Yes!  I saw lots of women running about gleefully in Princess Leah buns, with not a care in the world.  I wish women in other parts of the world would catch that vision too.  They would look even cuter!

There is one thing I know that will never change in Jamaica.  I see it whenever I go down to Emancipation Park in the mornings (which I did while here) to zwiddle desperately around the track, giving my hamhocks a good workout, or when I am driving on the roads, or in the plazas:  Jamaicans all over are afflicted with a terrible disease.  I heard that this disease was discussed on radio as well.  It is called ‘DE-LATE-ISS’!!!!  I have never in my life in ANY other country seen such a phenomenon!  It is a disease where people spend so much time and effort, money and youth in acquiring the biggest and newest of what the world has to offer!  This is most evident in the purchase of cars and other forms of vehicular mobility.   It is never enough to have a Ford F-150 2003 model.  In this day and age, one would be seen as a complete failure lest one upgrades to the either the F-350 (if there is such a thing) or the newest Hummer H3 or Escalade.  Now, for those of you who have never been to Jamaica, let me educate you on something.  Jamaica’s roads are only one-third the size of North American roads.  So take a vehicle designed for American/Canadian roads, and try fitting them on Jamaican roads, and…you get the point.  I had to laugh when I was in one of the plazas and I was walking into a store.  I observed a man trying DESPERATELY to position his vehicle into a parking spot, designed for a small car.  I was driving a Toyota Land Cruiser!!!  It took him three or four frustrated attempts to get the vehicle in just right, and then, he could not even get out of the driver’s seat!  Someone walking by commented in frustration (and I translate), “Why do people insist on buying these big vehicles and they can barely drive them?”  The funniest part of all of this is that people will put themselves into serious debt in acquiring such vehicles just to show that they have some kind of status, and of course, to ‘one-up’ the Joneses!

I leave to go back home tomorrow.  I feel the force of the changing of the wind, and it is now time for me to drape my scarf around my neck and open my umbrella, and fly off into the night, over land and sea, back to the land which I now call home.  *gasp!*  Fare thee well my dears!  I will see thee soon!